Keep on keeping on…

Long time, no post I’m afraid.  Life is a whirlwind of madness, absolute madness.  Jim is still in the hospice but there’s hope that he will be home soon.  He’s certainly alot better in terms of symptoms ~ better pain managment, eating well, sleeping well, walking better etc.  I visit at least every other day, sometimes every day.  I’ve had a bit of a cold so that has kept me away.  I’m better now but have a voice that would give Barry White a run for his money, it’s so hoarse and sexy.    Simon quite likes it but then he’s easily pleased lol.

I think we’ve all reached a place of acceptance with Jim’s illness, and I include Jim in that statement.  I hadn’t realised it until I was chatting to my Jehovah’s Witness friends today.  One young man visits me every month and always brings a different person with him each time.  We have some great discussions and I think we learn alot from each other.  I have a great respect for him and it’s quite obviously mutual.   Anyhow, I’m digressing ~ I told them that Jim was terminally ill and then said that we’d reached a place of calm and acceptance with that now.  I suddenly realised that yes, were are in that peaceful place.  A place where you know what’s to come and yes, that’s sad and a bit scary but also we’re enjoying the here and now.  Making the most of every visit, every hug, every opportunity to say ‘I love you’.  The tears are never far away but they don’t overwhelm me as much and I can hold it together when in ASDA which is always handy.

Jim’s illness has enhanced ALL my relationships.  They all seem suddenly very precious and vulnerable.  I tell people I love them far more freely, give hugs more often, never miss the chance to wish Millie or Simon a good day as they leave for work and make plenty of time to share their day on their return.  Shame it takes something so sad to wake us up to the reality of life.  You think you’re living your life to the full but when something like this happens you realise that actually no, you’re being pretty complacent all in all.

Lent moves on apace and with it has come a nagging issue.  An old issue that won’t ‘go away’.  Lent is about repentance, conversion, turning back to Christ and preparation for Easter.  I have tried since my calling to cease all sin in my life.  Now I know that I’d be pretty unrealistic to just expect to undo 43 years of habitual sin overnight ~ not happening.  I’ve always stuck to the saying ‘ I’m not where I want to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be’.  That is still true.  I’ve recently watched this documentary ~ ‘Deborah 13, Servant of God’ .  Now I’m not going to discuss my thoughts on that here because that’s a whole different post I think but it did make me review my own sins, both past and present, using the commandments as a guide.

I know that when God called me He forgave my past sins.  I sincerely repented, asked for forgiveness and I’ve no doubt that was granted or why would He have called me so profoundly just to turn me away again??  However, on studying the commandments I’m still struggling with ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ as this one seems to travel with me.  Simon and I live together and have done for nearly two years now.  Even if we were to marry would I still be in an adulterous state because am I not ~ in the eyes of the church ~ still married to my first husband?  What can I do to put this right if indeed I can at all??  It is troubling me and has done since I moved in here.  I’ve always indentified with the Samaritan Woman who had been married five times and was living with a man who wasn’t her husband.  [No I haven't been married quite THAT many times but you get my drift].  John chapter 4 is very dear to me as it was this that God gave to me when I first started to pray about past sins years ago.  However, I’m no closer to an answer because He told her to go away and sin no more.  What did she do then??  Kick hubby/boyfriend number five into touch having been washed clean of her sins by Jesus at the well?? I’m not sure but it plays on my already troubled mind.  I know my heart is good and that neither Si nor I are happy with our ’set up’ as it stands but is that enough?? 

My feeling is that Simon and I are meant to be together ~ I prayed about it alot before we decided to be together full time.  My moving here to MK was no accident I suspect especially as it bought me much closer [geographically speaking] to my Mum and Jim who now need me to help them through this very difficult part of their lives.  Had I not met Simon I’d be miles away and little or no use to them at all.  There are so many little Godincidences that have reinforced that here is where I should be.  My faith journey has gone from a walk to a run.  My love for the Catholic faith has been born here and this is where I found Turvey Abbey.  My children have flourished here.  Surely this is no accident and all because I met Simon on the internet??  How to put right though this nagging issue of adultery?? 

When assessing my life and how far I’ve come it’s amazing what I’ve achieved and I can read down those commandments now and feel that I’m doing an okay job of things.  I stumble of course.  I have bad days when I feel wretched and my behaviour or attitude is decidedly lacking but on the whole, not bad for a mere human.  When I think I’m not improving I just remember to keep on, keeping on in the right direction ~ set my sights on God and make Him my focus.  Just this one little thing to deal with so, answers on the back of a post card to……….

pax et bonum

Sharon xx