One month on…..

It is now just over a month since Jim died so I thought [wrongly as it turned out] that on the one month anniversary [15th] I would write something more positive about his life rather than be forever focussing on his death.  Sadly BT had other ideas as we developed a fault on the line that lasted 48 hours and left me NETless [ouch!].  Then I was suddenly rushed into hospital very early on Saturday [16th] morning ‘blues and twos’ style when a long standing pain in my tummy suddenly took on a life of its own and became unbearable.  I’d had it in a low key state for about ten days [and ignored it to be honest] but Friday afternoon saw a distinct change and by Saturday morning I was incoherent.  Have to say this was a first for me and the whole 999 thing is not to be recommended on the ’scary scale’.  Scared my poor mother to death!!  Suffice to say though that I was cared for extremely well by paramedics and hospital staff alike.  All a bit too close to Jim being in Willen for my comfort though and I left hospital against their advice later that same day.  Oh and no one is sure as to the exact cause but as my white cell count was sky high an infection is suspected so I rattle with the amount of antibiotics and analgesics that I’m taking.

So, here we are three days late with this so called positive post.  I was all up for it a week ago but now the time is here well…..I’m struggling to find the words really.  Grief is a strange thing.  One minute you think “yep, I’m doing really well, definitely moving forward with this” and then zapp!!  Before you know it you’re back where you were if not worse than before.  The climb back up does seem to be getting easier though if I’m honest.

I’m at the angry stage I think.  I’m angry with anyone and everyone.  It’s normal I’m told.  Oh really??  Doesn’t feel normal cos that’s so not who I am usually but I do feel huge irritation with people at the slightest thing.  Mrs Snippy has come to stay and it had better be a short visit.

It’s rare I use this blog to vent because I know it’s public and I don’t want people visiting here and reading depressing or angry stuff all the time.  However this is real life I suppose and, despite the fact that I’m usually a very compliant and gentle soul, as Simon will tell you “she’s fiesty when she’s roused”.

So, are there good things about being one month into bereavement??  Oh yes, despite my anger [which I suspect is healthy] there really is.  There are more fairly good days than really bad ones.  I can still remember Jim’s lovely smile, I can still hear his voice and  feel his beard against my face, all those things that are precious to my mind.  I can feel him with me in the strangest of places such as the garage last night when I was out there alone feeding the guinea pigs ~ suddenly he was there.  A couple of nights after he died I was sitting up reading in bed, fighting the desire to sleep, when I felt a firm kiss on my face.  I could even feel the damp spot the kiss left.  I opened my eyes expecting to see Simon disarming me of my glasses and book but there was no one there.  You make up your own mind about that one. 

I’m at the ‘feeling guilty if I haven’t thought about him for a whole day’ stage.  I used to wonder what all that was about when I heard other people saying it.  I apologise unreservedly for even wondering because now I know……   I was driving home today when the song that was playing as I drove away from Willen on the day Jim died came on the radio ~ now that’s a zapp if ever there was one. 

Jim left me his Freemasons pin which I wore to his funeral with the greatest of pride and it will be my treasured possesion for the rest of my life. 

So, maybe not such a positive ‘one month on’ post but a real post.  One which shows, I hope, that I am moving slowly in the right direction.  I’ve studied the various stages of grief and I’ve a long way to go [I'm on number two of six] but hey, Mum and I [and God] are travelling this road together and we help each other along.  I’m sure that if I hadn’t been so poorly this past weekend then this might have been a more uplifting read but illness and pain are not conducive to ‘happy talk’ nor the best of times to be examining one’s emotions.

Stay with me guys.

With love to all and thanks be to God for all those precious memories that take the place of the real thing and for this blog on which I can record them all.                                   

Oh here is the music that I heard driving home the day Jim died.  Possibly not the song you were expecting but the words are strangely appropriate in places and imagine it up full volume, tears falling, driving like an idiot and oh, I do know how I feel about him now…..tunes like this just stick in your head don’t they??  [I'm having trouble with this link guys ~ I will try to keep it open]