I had my meeting last night with Deacon J. I’ve decided I’m not going to do a word for word post mortem on it as it was understandably very personal and emotive. However, I am more than happy to share the general ideas, thoughts and plans that arose from that time we spent talking as a means of getting it clear in my own mind and as a response to my last post. I also hope that should anyone else pass this way searching for answers then they too will find solace in these words.
The overriding message from Deacon J was that the two main commandments God gave us were, “Love the Lord your God with all your mind, with all your heart, and with all your soul, ….. love your neighbour as yourself” ~ Matthew 22:37~39. Deacon J also said that fundamentally the Catholic church was built on a foundation of Love. He felt that I was fulfilling those commandments and that my relationship with Simon was also built on love so therefore something to be valued. I expressed to him that at times I felt so desperate with the situation that I had considered leaving the relationship but when I had my sensible head on I knew that this would be selfish, create a huge emotional fallout for my children and Simon and potentially leave me with even more guilt than I have now. It wouldn’t be a good advert for the Catholic church either. Deacon J agreed that in fact leaving would probably seem like a greater sin than staying and trying to put things right with the status quo as it would indeed have a huge ripple effect on my immediate family.
Deacon J said that God certainly did not ‘call’ me to be miserable or to carry around ’shed loads of guilt’ [his words, he did make me smile]. God also didn’t ‘call’ me to suddenly change His mind and rescind the offer. We agreed that, just as Benedict tells us, conversion is a continuous state and that God is still working in my life through the Holy Spirit, guiding me in the right direction. I also realised today that I am trying really hard to practice both my Stability ~ in staying put and working out my problems, and Obedience ~ in trying to listen to God and carry out His will. As a discerning Benedictine Oblate I will [hopefully one day] take vows of Stability [Stabilitas], Obedience and Conversion [Conversatio] and this is what I’m studying and reading about as part of my journey towards that. It’s very interesting to suddenly ’see’ those qualities appearing in my thought processes, actions and approach to life.
He suggested that maybe I stop using the phrase ‘living in sin’ as it’s become a huge stick to beat myself with. So maybe I will change it to ‘living in love’?? Sounds much nicer eh?? I know without a doubt that my negative thoughts on my relationship have caused me to be ‘Mrs Snippy’ and have prevented me from commiting 100% to Simon as I’ve always had this ’stuff’ nagging away at the back of my mind so I’ve not allowed myself to relax and enjoy just being in a loving relationship because it felt wrong.
We also discussed the sacrament of reconcilliation and this is something that I’m going to be starting fairly soon, not only as a means of dealing with this issue but also as a part of my grieving process and an ongoing part of my faith practice. Reconcilliation is not the negative sacrament that it’s portrayed to be historically, it’s full of grace and forgiveness and I’m need of some of that right now.
Finally, Deacon J and I did discuss a possible plan of action that will hopefully make all parties happy [including God 
] when and if Simon and I should decide to marry. I won’t share this with anyone just yet as Deacon J wasn’t sure if it fitted with Catholic protocol and teaching but suffice to say that all is not lost, yet.
So, I left that meeting feeling like a huge weight had been lifted. Deacon J is a lovely, kind, spiritual man who gave of himself in a way that left me feeling at peace and happy to lay down that big stick that I’ve been bashing myself over the head with for such a long time. Things still aren’t right but I’m not doing this alone anymore and that’s just the best feeling. Being able to offload it and to be heard and validated without criticism or condemnation was so important. I’m also sure that this is somehow tied in with my grieving process but I still can’t quite work out how except that, as I said in my last post, my faith if everything at the moment and I can’t bear it to be sullied or untidy.
Deacon J gave me a huge gift last night, something money can never buy~ he gave me back a part of myself, I feel whole again. He also gave me one of the special cards that were printed in celebration of his Ordination and the rather pertinent words on it are as follows: ~
“Lord, make me know your ways. Lord, teach me your paths. Make me walk in your truth, and teach me: for you are God my saviour.” Psalm 25:4-5
When I was ‘called’ three years ago I grabbed that amazing opportunity from God with both hands and ran with it as fast as I could. When I think of it now I have a mental image of myself running, with great joy in my heart and the biggest smile on my face, into the arms of Jesus. Deacon J said I’d come a long way in a very short time. That’s because I’m running Deacon J, running for my life…….
God bless your deacon! You are fortunate to have such a wise and good man in your parish. If the message brings you peace, embrace it.
Thank you Barbara ~ still a way to go methinks but on the right track and as I said, no longer travelling alone. Yes, May God bless Deacon J.
with love
S xx
Dear Sharon,
I’m so pleased to hear that your meeting with Deacon J went well. It’s always so helpful to have a spiritual companion on this journey toward Heaven.
Dearest Gail ~ to feel that you’re in state of sin is indeed a lonely place at times and when you have the support and guidance of the church suddenly everything seems far less lonely and scary. The tough part was asking for the help in the first place I found ~ couldn’t believe how emotional and nervous I was!!!
with love and pax
Sharon xx