..suspending my blog indefinately.  I had already stopped all other internet usage, other than email, a few months ago.  I’m not sure I have alot more to give here and I have my doubts as to whether what I write could be considered a useful contribution anymore.  My faith has taken on a new depth and I’m unable to put into words what that means or feels like except that it’s beautiful. 

I will continue to finish my SSP study [see tab above] as it’s handy to be able to put it on here.

I’m not saying I won’t ever be back but for now I’m going to see how it feels not to blog for a while [so decisive lol ]…. but have enjoyed not feeling ‘tied’ to the Net so much.

So probably not goodbye, just au revoir…….

Pax et bonum

(¯`v´¯)
 `*.¸.*´
 ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨Sharon x x
 (¸.•´ (¸..•´

My body is my cell and my soul the hermit within.

Pax

Sharon xx

I have a Benedictine friend who often shares things with me that he thinks may benefit and encourage me.  The text below was written and sent to him by Fr Richard Baker who was a monk during his formative years at St Hugh’s, Parkminster [the only Carthusian Chaterhouse in the UK].  Fr Richard now resides in southern France living as a hermit.  The following passage is beautiful and links well with my previous post where I spoke of the Carthusians and my fascination with their eremetic way and one-on-one relationship with God.

THE JOURNEY INTO SOLITUDE

In the end God will give you what you desire so much.
It is a good desire to have.
The goodness of God will flow out from within you and surround you.
Then you will be alone with Him.
The silence of God is our lasting home because He made us for Himself.
God made us that we would see Him and enjoy Him forever.
Through the passion of Christ He renews creation and restores us as sons and daughters of God.
This truly is the eternal life to come to know Him the one true God and the
Jesus Christ who He sent.
The communion of love is lived out in the solitude of the cell.
The love of the Creator who draws us deeper in to Himself.
This is the living water of our life that feeds us.
Once we have tasted it we will forever thirst to drink more.
God will lead you in the solitude of the cell to stand on top of the highest
mountain.
You will stand fully in the light.
Truths with depths beyond all your dreams will be revealed to you.
You will feed from the depths of God and hunger no more.
You will also be taken in to the depths of the earth.
The darkness of the Evil one will totally surround you.
You will learn what it truly means to cry out to God for mercy.
And in that moment God will raise you up to the heights again.
Finally you will be left alone in prayer at the foot of the Cross of Jesus;
You will spend many hours alone there.
This was the moment God was preparing you for in the solitude.
In those hours of transformation everything you have known in the world will pass away.
One by one all the people you have known will leave you to be alone.
You will be totally alone in your solitude .
The desires of your heart will have been fulfilled.
Then you will be seen no more because you will have walked with God,
and God will come and take you.

by Fr Richard Baker

Many amazing and wonderful things are happening within my faith and my relationship with Jesus just now.  Things that words cannot do justice to.  I have long had an unescapable desire to draw ever closer to God within the confines of my daily domestic routine.  The words of Fr Richard fed into that desire with a longing so deep it was almost painful.  Fr Richard speaks of solitude [no doubt] primarily from his eremetic perspective but his thoughts can be transposed into the secular; a moment alone, an hour, a day, a weekend…..  It is not only a journey into solitude, it’s also a journey into a deeper relationship with God.  There is something for everyone seeking God in silence and solitude in his profound prose [for me...the first four lines speak right into my heart].

I am held in close proximity to a depth of spirituality that never seems to leave me anymore.  My desire to bring the deep spirituality that, not so long ago, I could only find or feel on retreat or during quiet solitude, into the everyday has been achieved.  I don’t know what has changed but there has been a huge shift.  Whereas once I was always [mostly fruitlessly] searching for that quiet moment, chasing that illusive one-on-one opportunity to be with God suddenly I am aware that somehow His presence is tangible even in the chaos of my daily routine; I can feel Him in every situation.  That union with Jesus  that I have craved for for so long [and envied so much in the monastic setting] has found it’s way out of those infrequent quiet times and merged into my busy, secular life.  I’m so excited!!  I cannot begin to tell you……

I am reading ‘Come Be My Light’ [thank you Gail xx] which primarily contains the letters and teachings of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta.  In the last year or so she has become a beacon of hope and inspiration for me.  There is one defining passage on page 34 that drew together and answered all my questions and worries of the last three years.  Questions about my purpose, the reason for my calling and my subsequent fruitless search for a closer, more intimate union with Christ in the everyday and a myriad of other things too personal to write here….

Mother Teresa speaking to her sisters [the Missionaries of Charity] about “profiting by all the smallest things and doing them through love…. To the good God nothing is little because He is so great and we so small — that is why He stoops down and takes the trouble to make those little things for us — to give us a chance to prove our love for Him.  Because He makes them, they are very great.  He cannot make anything small; they are infinite.  Yes my dear children, be faithful in little practices of love, of little sacrifices — of the little interior mortification — of little fidelities to Rule, which will build in you the life of holiness — make you Christ-like………Don’t look for big things, just do small things with great love”.  p34

For me these words are the true meaning and purpose of my faith.  I now know why God has always told me to keep my faith simple ~ what could be simpler ~ don’t look for big things, just do small things with great love.

Pax

(¯`v´¯)
 `*.¸.*´
 ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨Sharon x x
 (¸.•´ (¸..•´

A quick update.  Am going to try and keep my posts shorter and more to the point as have a tendancy to produce tomes of writing which must be difficult to trawl through for those reading…

House move still going ahead.  No date yet but didn’t I say something about moving before the end of the summer holidays??  lol   Famous last words.

My religious dry spell finished the minute everyone returned to work and school.  Am right back on track in fact better than ever, probably due to having missed that time spent with God so much.  Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder even when talking about one’s love for God but then He is the love of my life………

Am having cold feet about starting my Catholic Certificate in Religious Studies ~ not sure why really but will pray about it and make sure it’s ‘right’ for me as at the moment I’ve lost all enthusiasm which is not like me.  Ideas and thoughts on the back of a post card to………

Have just bought [and read] this book….  Halfway to Heaven ~ The Hidden Life of the Carthusians.  I’ve always had a fascination for the religious life especially since my calling three  years ago and have often wondered why.  Am I obsessed, curious, just plain nosey, or normal?  This book went some way to answering that.  It spoke about the difference between Carthusian Brothers and Carthusian Fathers ~ Brothers do more manual labour for the good of the community but are still fully professed Monks but the Fathers [who are qualified as Priests hence the title 'Father'] spend more time in prayer supported and enabled by their fellow Brothers undertaking the more day to day things.  Brothers actually spend about six hours per day doing manual work so therefore alot less time in prayer than the Fathers.  I could totally identify with those Brothers.  I too seem to spend an awful lot of time doing manual work and for a few seconds I felt a bit sorry for them.  However, when I read on it became obvious that this is their choice and that they devote their whole day’s work to God and the monastery which is after all God’s dwelling place. 

Suddenly I realise that I’m fascinated not so much with religious life per se but with the time and opportunity available within that framework and setting to be one-on-one with God.  The description of the Brothers made me see that it’s not just about prayer and silence, it’s about giving one’s whole day to God right down to the routine chores.  They obviously manage to lead very devout lives whilst still working a day that looks alot like mine.  Pope John Paul II wrote about the little domestic church and suddenly I can see that I have one here ~ I’ve just never viewed it as such.  The Carthusians also have alot to teach us as I’m finding during my study of their ways and practises.  Strange how a community so far removed from the secular world can give so many examples of how to bring God into the day-to-day whether secular or religious. 

The closer I draw to God the clearer His vision for me becomes. 

Pax

Here is a picture of me taken today.  Now, I rarely post pictures of me on here as I don’t look that good in photographs and they’re usually pretty scary. I don’t want to frighten my readers away .  However, on looking back at the photo’s of Ethan’s baptism/birthday celebrations last month I was horrified to see that I looked all of my 46 years and then some ~ ouch!!  So I went for a revamp at the hairdressers and this is the result.  Not a massive improvement I grant you but I feel alot better for it and I’ve posted it as the picture of choice under the ‘ME’ section on here.

I often read blogs and wish I could ’see’ the person who writes them.  Sometimes there is a photo but for the most part there isn’t.  For some reason it helps to be able to visualise the writer, don’t ask me why though.

Pax

My friend Nicholas sent me this in response to my last post ‘Thy will be done’

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands; do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you
with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Blessed Charles de Foucald 

It says all I wanted to say but so much better.  Thank you Nicholas xx.  The image above is of Blessed Charles de Foucald.

Pax ~ Sharon xx

At this end of this long, religiously ‘dry’ summer I am left feeling unworthy.  Unworthy and very unfulfilled.  As the day that Ethan starts school approaches I am starting to look to the future and there, shining back at me in the distance is a tiny chink of light.  That light is being sent to me by God because He and He alone knows what little seeds of discontent and unfulfillment nestle in my heart.  Somewhere in that light Hope springs eternal; hope for a new kind of life, a life that is not totally focussed on being at home, a life that allows Sharon the opportunity to be herself rather than someone’s mother, lover, daughter, friend, nurse, cook, banker, taxi………..ad infinitum….   

As I look back into the past I can see a candle burning brightly ~ it is a beautiful candle placed there by God to guide my way.  It flickered brightly to help me choose the right path when I found I was expecting Ethan.  It glowed with a deep comforting warmth when I mourned the loss of the freedom I’d waited so long for.  It positively sparkled when Ethan was born and burned brighter still when I chose not to go back to the nursing career I’d waited a lifetime for.

I stand here now between the candle that burns with a warm love and the tiny light that beckons.  I know that if I go back the candle will always be there to comfort and guide me.  I also know that if I go forward the chink of ‘Hope’ will grow bigger until it becomes something fulfilling, dazzling and new.  I find myself looking with excitement towards that pinprick of opportunity.  Is it really my time again??  Did I do good??  I’ve waited so patiently all these years for this time to come again I can scarcely believe it’s within my grasp once more. 

So, although I am feeling rather unfulfilled at this moment, God has shown me that my future still holds hope and my past was full of gifts beyond measure.  I am so unworthy of His love and guidance but ever thankful that even though I can’t always understand His choices for me I can rest in the comfort of His warm and loving light until the way ahead becomes clear once again.

One of the reasons that the Our Father has become one of my favourite prayers is because when the Brothers and Sisters at Turvey pray it they stretch out their arms and turn their palms heavenwards.  The first time I saw it prayed this way it took on a whole new meaning and became a way to praise God, sending skywards our worship, love and hope as well as a beautiful prayer asking for guidance, forgiveness and deliverance.  I am moved to tears of joy everytime I pray it……….

Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Today is GCSE results day and like thousands of other parents this morning I went along with Millie to her school here in the City to see how she’d done.  We were both really excited and more than a little bit nervous too if we’re being honest.  In order to sit the exams Millie had to overcome the daunting problem of severe anxiety induced spontaneous vomiting which made it a challange to even physically get herself into the examination room, never mind complete the paper once there.  So I was proud that she’d actually got through the exam period without throwing in the towel and admiting defeat ~ and suddenly, here we are and it’s results day!!!

I’ve never had any goals in mind for Millie except that she do her best and be polite and compassionate at all times.  For today all I wanted for was her to be happy with her results ~ if she’s happy then I’m happy.  She needed a minimum of six C’s in order to get into Sixth form where she wants to study Biology, Psychology, Sociology and Physical Education at ‘A’ level next year ~ so that was today’s aim really.  When we got in the hall Millie queued for her envelope and promptly passed it to me as she couldn’t bring herself to open it.  I pulled out the sheets inside and the first thing I saw was the offer letter telling Millie she’d been successful in her application to enter the Sixth Form at Denbigh so I knew that we’d at least got those illusive six C’s.  I dug a bit deeper and pulled out the results sheet and I was so proud I just couldn’t hold back the tears.  Five A’s and seven B’s ~ absolutely amazing!!  She knew from my face that it was good and her face was a picture as she read the results.  We just hugged and cried and I told her how immensely proud of her I was and am. 

Once we’d spent some time with her friends doing the usual post mortem of events I took her [as a surprise] to the City to buy her a white gold and pink diamond ring to mark the event ~ something very special to keep for ever and remember how good today felt when maybe other days in the future won’t always feel quite so great.  Tonight my mum is here and we’re all having Chinese food and toasting Millie’s success!!!

The picture above is courtesy of Denbigh’s school website and it’s of Millie [who is second from the left as you look] and the rest of the Under 15 hockey team taken a couple of years ago.  A nice keepsake to have on my blog.  Today is a day to thank God for all our blessings and to praise His name for the love of family and friends. 

Pax

At 10 o’clock this morning Mum, Craig and I finally laid Jim’s ashes to rest at Olney Green Burial Ground.  He has a beautiful plot [for two ] overlooking the Great Ouse river valley.  The whole site is very peaceful and tranquil and not at all like a graveyard.  We have arranged to have a simple green oak stake placed where his ashes are buried with ‘Jim Ogden’ written on it and the year of his birth and death.  The graves [whether burials or interment of ashes] are all very simple and in fact you’d struggle to see where one ends and another starts.  But that’s what the site is all about, on every plot used a tree is planted [usually around November time] with the aim that eventually the whole area will be covered in lovely woodland and carpeted in Bluebells.  You are allowed to plant meadow flowers and especially Bluebells which have become a popular choice as they will thrive once the woodland establishes itself.  Apparently they already make a grand display when they all flower in the spring.  The graves themselves are  left pretty much uncultivated with just paths mown into the long grasses so you can find your way.

Jim loved Bluebells and he and mum would drive miles just to see them growing wild in the various woodland locations around and about so I shall find him some to plant on his grave too.  We’ve chosen a Silver Birch tree [to be supported by the aforementioned engraved stake] for his plot as it’s what he used to have in his cottage garden before he and mum moved over here.  I think he would have approved.

It was my job to lower the casket into the little grave and Mum asked me to recite the Hail Mary as I did so.  I didn’t hold it together very well I have to admit but I got the words out somehow.  We all stood there with our own thoughts for a while and then we took turns in replacing the soil with the little spade provided by the site manager. 

Once we’d been and given our thanks to the manager I had to go back for one last look and to say Jim’s favourite prayer on my own, just Jim and I, you may remember from his time at Willen, it was the Our Father.

So that seems like the end of a very long and tough journey.  A chapter closed and finally somewhere to go and leave flowers and chat to Jim and share my thoughts with him when I’m sad or need to feel near to him.

The final words must be these I think….

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen

Today’s gospel during Mass was John 6:60~69 and Fr James used verse 67 as the focus for his homily ~ Then Jesus said to the Twelve, ‘What about you, do you want to go away too?’ …..

Fr James was reminded by this Gospel reading of an ecumenical retreat he did on the Isle of Iona in Scotland, and specifically to the standard ’ice breaker’ that the group took part in during the first session.  Each person had to liken their feelings at the start of the retreat to a song title of their choice.  Apparently one of the other participants there, a Methodist Deacon called Ruth, gave her title very honestly as ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?’ [by the punk rock group The Clash].  Whilst recalling that moment today Fr James wondered if those were the thoughts going through the disciples’ minds when Jesus asked them if they wanted to go away too?  Should we stay with Christ or should we go our own way now?

As I sat there pondering on this it came to me that God always gives us a choice whether to follow Him or not ~ it’s never an assumption or an ultimatum, always a choice.   I was drawn back to the time of my calling when I spent quite a few days wondering whether to take up the ‘offer’ or just politely ignore it, and whether in fact I’ve ever considered changing my mind since that day over three years ago…….?

I always start the holidays full of good intentions regarding my religious practise.  With so many adults here in the house to amuse Ethan I should, in theory, have alot more free time to pray, study The Rule of Benedict, go to weekday Mass, visit Turvey and generally step-up my game.  In reality the complete opposite is true, it’s chaos in all honesty.  More people mean more mess, more meals to cook, more clothes worn so more washing, Ethan going hyper with all the extra stimulation…..you get the idea I’m sure.  Also though this means that there is even less quiet time or ‘me’ space so in the end I actually spend less time with God.  The first week I struggle along getting frustrated and then by week two I’ve all but given up even trying to find time even to pray my offices.  I stop the whole charade of good intentions and promise myself I’ll resume normal viewing again when everyone goes back to work and school in September.   So by now, which is about the end of week four, I am down to the bare minimum with a snatched prayer when I think of it, Mass on Sunday and very little else.

This means that in effect, because of this temporary change in circumstances, I emotionally move away from Christ during these religiously lean, long summer holidays.  This year I have noticed a definite change in myself as a direct result of less time spent with God.  My attitude is pretty poor, my patience is at an all time low, my compassionate nature seems to have taken a holiday and I’m not at all keen on the person I’ve become. 

So, back to the question that Jesus asked his disciples, ’What about you, do you want to go away too?’ and whether or not I’ve ever considered ‘going’ and not walking with Christ anymore?  Well yes, of course I have considered not practising religion anymore.  If I’m honest there are times when I just plain can’t be bothered with it such as when I’m poorly or exhausted, times of major doubt and times like now during the holidays when it’s logistically nigh on impossible to find time, space and opportunity to just be.  But then you look at the bigger picture, when I have intentionally ‘gone now’ and, like during these holidays, I am left craving God time and I realise that life without God is as the next line of the song says...“If I go there will be trouble, an if I stay it will be double”……To stay with God is not always a walk in the park but to go is to be in a place void of any meaning, of any love, where I morph into Mrs Snippy~Pants within days and the God shaped hole in my heart starts to bleed with nothing to fill it ~ trouble indeed!!

I have also realised though that not practising my faith does not mean that I’ve stopped believing in God.  I look back to my pre~conversion years and know that I’ve always believed in God.  Even if I gave up practising Catholiscism/Christianity tomorrow I know that I would always be aware of God’s existence.  He’s there within me, like a permanent marker indelibly printed on my soul.  It’s very difficult to stop believing in something you can tangibly sense is there.  Life is much easier when I walk in the shadow of God’s wings  for sure; and it’s true to say that I do occasionally move away from God.  He however, never leaves my side…….

The last word must be Simon Peter’s reply to Jesus… ⁶⁸Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. ⁶⁹We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”  John 6:68~69 NIV

Pax