At this end of this long, religiously ‘dry’ summer I am left feeling unworthy. Unworthy and very unfulfilled. As the day that Ethan starts school approaches I am starting to look to the future and there, shining back at me in the distance is a tiny chink of light. That light is being sent to me by God because He and He alone knows what little seeds of discontent and unfulfillment nestle in my heart. Somewhere in that light Hope springs eternal; hope for a new kind of life, a life that is not totally focussed on being at home, a life that allows Sharon the opportunity to be herself rather than someone’s mother, lover, daughter, friend, nurse, cook, banker, taxi………..ad infinitum….
As I look back into the past I can see a candle burning brightly ~ it is a beautiful candle placed there by God to guide my way. It flickered brightly to help me choose the right path when I found I was expecting Ethan. It glowed with a deep comforting warmth when I mourned the loss of the freedom I’d waited so long for. It positively sparkled when Ethan was born and burned brighter still when I chose not to go back to the nursing career I’d waited a lifetime for.
I stand here now between the candle that burns with a warm love and the tiny light that beckons. I know that if I go back the candle will always be there to comfort and guide me. I also know that if I go forward the chink of ‘Hope’ will grow bigger until it becomes something fulfilling, dazzling and new. I find myself looking with excitement towards that pinprick of opportunity. Is it really my time again?? Did I do good?? I’ve waited so patiently all these years for this time to come again I can scarcely believe it’s within my grasp once more.
So, although I am feeling rather unfulfilled at this moment, God has shown me that my future still holds hope and my past was full of gifts beyond measure. I am so unworthy of His love and guidance but ever thankful that even though I can’t always understand His choices for me I can rest in the comfort of His warm and loving light until the way ahead becomes clear once again.
One of the reasons that the Our Father has become one of my favourite prayers is because when the Brothers and Sisters at Turvey pray it they stretch out their arms and turn their palms heavenwards. The first time I saw it prayed this way it took on a whole new meaning and became a way to praise God, sending skywards our worship, love and hope as well as a beautiful prayer asking for guidance, forgiveness and deliverance. I am moved to tears of joy everytime I pray it……….
Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.