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S xx

Finding God in the most unexpected of places….

I feel like I’ve stayed away for ages, and I genuinely feel like I have ‘been away’ somewhere and that I’ve just got back, although in reality I’ve been right here at home all the time.  I’ve spent the last three weeks or so in a state of what I can only call ’stillness’.   I’ve been very removed from the hustle and bustle of life.  I’ve pared down all contact with the outside world and reduced my internet usage to just checking my emails once a day with no desire to write on here or visit my Facebook page.  In fact I’ve had no desire to do very much at all.  This hasn’t been a conscious decision, it just kind of crept up on me when I wasn’t looking and it wasn’t until today that I realised that I’m resurfacing again.

I recently asked God to show me something about myself as I needed some understanding and guidance on the way I behave in personal relationships, primarily between Simon and I.  I have an issue [left over from a previous abusive relationship] that revolves around self doubt and fear but it is not pretty when it shows itself and can result in some ugly and very self destructive behaviour on my part.  It’s been a regular prayer in the past but more especially of late……then came this stillness….and in that stillness I found a strength that I never realised I’d lost.  I also found clarity and self worth.  I found love and the much longed for understanding and guidance.  Acceptance.  Confidence and finally……peace!!

I’ve been practising my Lectio with a book that Liz lent me called “The Mystery of Love” by Cardinal Basil Hume.  It is broken down into small passages so lends itself beautifully to Lectio.  Today’s passage was about the ways that we can experience the presence of God in certain situations or the actions of others and that those things can often tell us something about God.  Cardinal Hume described it as: ~

“It is as if a cloud hovers between us and God.  From time to time that cloud of unknowing is pierced by a shaft of light which tells us something about God…..it may be a moment of total happiness……it may be in sorrow we experience his presence.  In ecstasies and agonies his voice is unmistakable to those prepared to listen and look……I like to think that the affection another shows to me is a special word of love from God.”

I was thinking about this [well, it was Lectio after all] and it struck me that the one thing you don’t realise when you become a Christian is that you have a direct line to God.  Everybody does, not just me!  I don’t think I ever truly appreciated it before this stillness settled upon me.  It has been like God and I have been on the ‘phone constantly for the last three weeks and just not realised the time.  That ’shaft of light’ that Cardinal Hume wrote about is my [our] link to God and it has broken through my cloud of unrest and guided me to where God needed me to be in order to answer my prayer.  These shafts of light manifest themselves in many different ways but all of them are unique and custom made for the purpose.  He’s clever this God of ours.

I was down at the lake with Si and my little boy this afternoon and once we’d fed the ducks the boys went off to play football on the grass and Fletch [my trusty old dog] and I went to find some shade under one of the many weeping willows down by the water.  As I stood in the fronds of that delicate tree I looked up through the cascading branches and it was like God’s wings hovering over me and suddenly His presence was all around.  It’s in the most unexpected places that those shafts of light [love?] find you.  You’d expect it in church or during prayer but so often that’s not the case and instead they’re somewhere most unlikely.  I recall Sr Judith saying that often times she’d pray her daily offices not always feeling particularly connected to God but then once out on her bike in the grounds of the Abbey suddenly His presence would become tangible for her.  

So, as Cardinal Hume said, these ’shafts of light’ do indeed tell us something of God.  They give us little glimpses of how much He loves us and wants us to get ‘it’ right.  How He always hears our prayers, despite the fact that we are rarely still [or patient] for long enough to hear His responses.  He took me into that soft, still place so I could hear Him better [He probably got fed up of being ignored].  So if you pray to God and ask for His help and guidance don’t forget to wait patiently in stillness for His response or to look for Him in the most unexpected of places as that is most likely where He’ll be waiting for you.

 

Happy times…

Yesterday was my daughter Millie’s year 11 prom.  An American custom I grant you but a lovely one.  Months of preparation went into the day but the young people did most of it themselves [other than footing the bill ].  So once the dress, shoes, accessories, hair, nails, venue, and limosine were all in-hand we finally arrived at the special day.  I felt like I’d aged about ten years overnight but I have to admit that even I was excited by the time the day came.

It was such a special day for Millie not least because her lovely Grampy Jim put aside the money for her dress before he died.  He really wanted to see her in it but sadly that wasn’t to happen…  Anyhow below are a few photo’s of the wonderful event….enjoy!!

Just after she had her hair done before she got dressed!!

This is Millie and her prom date,  the lovely Ashwin.

Millie and her good friend Kit in the Limosine.

At Ash’s house just before they went to get the Limosine.

So Grampy Jim, what do you think??  Doesn’t she look just wonderful in the dress you bought her??  Certainly brought a tear to my eye that’s for sure.  I think she did you proud in that beautiful gown.  We missed you yesterday, more than usual, but I have a feeling that you were there in spirit and that you were just as proud as punch of your lovely Granddaughter.

 

Father’s Day….

Apologies for absence are in order I feel.  I’ve just not felt in the mood to blog much.  Since my last two posts about my emotional and spiritual struggles  I’ve been very reflective and have spent time thinking, praying and just being with God.  When life gets tough I tend to scale down and keep it simple which leaves more room for discernment.  It’s actually been quite refreshing to be honest.  I’ve also been very poorly again ~ all connected with my last emergency visit to A&E ~ Thursday morning at 2am found me being rushed once again by ambulance to MK General this time with a massive haemorrhage.  This is not the place to go into detail but suffice to say it was very scary both for me and for my family.  It took three hours to get the bleeding under control by which time I thought I was looking at a hysterectomy which thankfully in the end I didn’t need.  I’m left feeling very nervous though and will be back at the doctors next week.

So, Father’s Day ~ hmmmm….first one ever with no father figure in my life!!  I did wonder how the day would pan out and whether or not I’d be very sad and I am sad but I think I was kind of prepared so emotions haven’t overwhelmed me too much.  It is really not accurate to say that I have no father figure in my life because of course there is God and He is doing a wonderful job of filling that role for me.  The image at the top of the post is what I see in my mind’s eye when I think of God’s love for me.  I am enfolded in His arms and surrounded by His Spirit; that’s a wonderful place to be.  He is a tangible part of my life at the moment which I’m sure is because my need is greater than usual.  Mass has taken on a deeper meaning as well and all the chaos and intensity of the early part of this year is falling away to be replaced by a sense of purpose and calm.

I’ve recently looked into taking the Catholic Certificate of Religious Studies which is due to start in September but it’s quite alot of money and I just don’t have that right now so I shall review that option again next year.  It looks really interesting though but maybe I do have enough on my plate with Ethan starting school in September and the house move pending.  We have home educated Ethan for his pre-school years [and loved doing so] but we always said that if he ever expressed a wish to go to school then we’d make that happen.  Of late he’s been very interested in other children and school in general so we feel he’s probably ready now.  However, I am getting itchy to do something productive with a bit of ‘me’ time in sight……

which leads me to…..

….. some of you may remember me being offered a job at Milton Keynes General Hospital at the end of last year working on Maternity well, suffice to say that despite my CRB having been back for months I’ve heard absolutely nothing, zilch, nada, not a lot….  When Jim was ill I was grateful that they didn’t contact me but now, well over six months down the line, I’ve absolutely no idea what they’re playing at.  I suspect that I’ve been lost in the admin. pile or that they’ve run out of funding and are hoping that I just don’t notice their failure to give me a starting date.  My initial contact with their HR department was dodgy to say the least, I received some forms twice and others not at all which didn’t fill me with confidence.  All very strange!!!  I won’t be contacting them as I’ve lost the will to live with it now, the moment has passed I think!!

The house move still seems to be going ahead albeit very slowly but as we don’t want to move until the summer holidays then we’re in no rush….yet lol.  Remind me I said that when September is looming large and we’re still here.

Ethan and Si have started coming to Mass with me every other week which is lovely.  It’s mostly for Ethan’s benefit but how wonderful of Si to support me in that and to bring Ethan so that I can still participate fully in worship while we share the job of entertaining Ethan.  The date has been set for Ethan’s baptism into the Catholic faith which is most exciting and Deacon J is going to be taking the service which, as you can imagine, I’m very happy about.

I went with my friend Liz to hear  Eileen Shaughnessy from Cockfosters Healing Ministery speak a couple of weekends ago.  It was really good and very inspiring.  After the main talk the ladies came round to lay on hands and pray over us individually.  I accepted the offer not expecting to feel much [I'm always quite reserved at events like this] but found my whole body tingling for the duration of the prayer in a most alarming way and felt quite tearful afterwards.  The Ministery must have a relationship with the Vita et Pax Convent also in Cockfosters [the only other Olivetan Convent in the UK  ~ if I've understood that right ~ and sister convent to Priory of Our Lady of Peace at Turvey] because there was mention of them and also of Turvey ~ small world.

Okay ~ update finished and I’m off to bed as it’s nearly 11pm.  I always end up blogging at unearthly hours probably because the house is quiet and I’ve got space to think.

Pax et bonum xx

A church built on love…

I had my meeting last night with Deacon J.  I’ve decided I’m not going to do a word for word post mortem on it as it was understandably very personal and emotive.  However, I am more than happy to share the general ideas, thoughts and plans that arose from that time we spent talking as a means of getting it clear in my own mind and as a response to my last post.  I also hope that should anyone else pass this way searching for answers then they too will find solace in these words.

The overriding message from Deacon J was that the two main commandments  God gave us were, “Love the Lord your God with all your mind, with all your heart, and with all your soul, ….. love your neighbour as yourself” ~ Matthew 22:37~39.  Deacon J also said that fundamentally the Catholic church was built on a foundation of Love.  He felt that I was fulfilling those commandments and that my relationship with Simon was also built on love so therefore something to be valued.  I expressed to him that at times I felt so desperate with the situation that I had considered leaving the relationship but when I had my sensible head on I knew that this would be selfish, create a huge emotional fallout for my children and Simon and potentially leave me with even more guilt than I have now.  It wouldn’t be a good advert for the Catholic church either.  Deacon J agreed that in fact leaving would probably seem like a greater sin than staying and trying to put things right with the status quo as it would indeed have a huge ripple effect on my immediate family.

Deacon J said that God certainly did not ‘call’ me to be miserable or to carry around ’shed loads of guilt’ [his words, he did make me smile].  God also didn’t ‘call’ me to suddenly change His mind and rescind the offer.  We agreed that, just as Benedict tells us, conversion is a continuous state and that God is still working in my life through the Holy Spirit, guiding me in the right direction.  I also realised today that I am trying really hard to practice both my Stability ~ in staying put and working out my problems, and Obedience ~ in trying to listen to God and carry out His will.  As a discerning Benedictine Oblate I will [hopefully one day] take vows of Stability [Stabilitas], Obedience and Conversion [Conversatio] and this is what I’m studying and reading about as part of my journey towards that.  It’s very interesting to suddenly ’see’ those qualities appearing in my thought processes, actions and approach to life.

He suggested that maybe I stop using the phrase ‘living in sin’ as it’s become a huge stick to beat myself with.  So maybe I will change it to ‘living in love’??  Sounds much nicer eh??  I know without a doubt that my negative thoughts on my relationship have caused me to be ‘Mrs Snippy’ and have prevented me from commiting 100% to Simon as I’ve always had this ’stuff’ nagging away at the back of my mind so I’ve not allowed myself to relax and enjoy just being in a loving relationship because it felt wrong. 

We also discussed the sacrament of reconcilliation and this is something that I’m going to be starting fairly soon, not only as a means of dealing with this issue but also as a part of my grieving process and an ongoing part of my faith practice.  Reconcilliation is not the negative sacrament that it’s portrayed to be historically, it’s full of grace and forgiveness and I’m need of some of that right now.

Finally, Deacon J and I did discuss a possible plan of action that will hopefully make all parties happy [including God ] when and if Simon and I should decide to marry.  I won’t share this with anyone just yet as Deacon J wasn’t sure if it fitted with Catholic protocol and teaching but suffice to say that all is not lost, yet. 

So, I left that meeting feeling like a huge weight had been lifted.  Deacon J is a lovely, kind, spiritual man who gave of himself in a way that left me feeling at peace and happy to lay down that big stick that I’ve been bashing myself over the head with for such a long time.  Things still aren’t right but I’m not doing this alone anymore and that’s just the best feeling.  Being able to offload it and to be heard and validated without criticism or condemnation was so important.  I’m also sure that this is somehow tied in with my grieving process but I still can’t quite work out how except that, as I said in my last post, my faith if everything at the moment and I can’t bear it to be sullied or untidy. 

Deacon J gave me a huge gift last night, something money can never buy~ he gave me back a part of myself, I feel whole again.  He also gave me one of the special cards that were printed in celebration of his Ordination and the rather pertinent words on it are as follows: ~

“Lord, make me know your ways.  Lord, teach me your paths.  Make me walk in your truth, and teach me:  for you are God my saviour.”  Psalm 25:4-5

When I was ‘called’ three years ago I grabbed that amazing opportunity from God with both hands and ran with it as fast as I could.  When I think of it now I have a mental image of myself running, with great joy in my heart and the biggest smile on my face, into the arms of Jesus.  Deacon J said I’d come a long way in a very short time.  That’s because I’m running Deacon J, running for my life…….

Images are courtesty of my lovely church, Christ the King, Milton Keynes.

Holding on tight….

I am reading a book at the moment called “Why I am Still a Catholic” ~ essays in faith and perseverance, edited by Peter Stanford.  I originally bought it because the essays are written by high profile Catholic contributors, some of whom have remained or become Catholic’s despite great opposition or personal conflict with the churchs’ beliefs and teachings.  As an unlikely Catholic candidate myself I was curious so I paid a visit to Amazon and voila……unfortunately it has given rise to the following……..

Firstly, I cannot emphasise enough how much I need my faith right now.  It is truly the ONLY thing that is keeping me from crumbling into a mass of grief.  I am still experiencing feelings of panic, fear, sadness, anger etc. after losing Jim, and yes, I know this is all normal, but still not a nice thing to live through.  When you have such a strong need for something there is inevitably a fear of losing it.  I think I’ve realised that everything in this world is really rather tenuous, especially human life.  However, I’ve always assumed that my faith is a forever thing in every sense of the word. 

All this started with me reading one of the essays from the aforementioned book written by a Catholic lady who married a divorcee which consequently resulted in her conscience preventing her from taking part in the Eucharist at Mass as she saw this union as a fall from grace.  [I must point out at this juncture that this was her choice, not something imposed on her by the church, from what I can gather her priest was actually far more liberally minded].   This got me thinking as to why it was I, a divorcee also, was welcomed into the Catholic church?  I did a bit of research into this and was given this reply which made perfect sense.

“It’s not about what you or I have done, it’s not about the past. God will meet you where you are right now. If you accept our Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, and have Faith in Him, you are saved. It’s as simple as that. From that point on, a miracle happens, God transforms your life.

So the answer to your question, If I were divorced, can I become a catholic? You are really asking can you become a christian. Of course! Who are we to question who God has called? Can you become a catholic? Of course! For the same reason.” ……. courtesy of WikiAnswers.com  

So yes, I get that, in fact Fr J said almost the very same thing at the meeting before our Confirmation.  God meets us where we are and then continues His work in us with and through the Spirit until we fulfill His purpose for our lives and become the person that He intended us to be.  We are a work in progress and we just have to remain open to that.  It’s like the Benedictine view that conversion is a continuous progress, not a one off event.

Now we get to the nitty gritty bit.  The part that threw me totally and left me in a heap on the floor metaphorically speaking.  This lady married a divorcee.  I live with a divorcee.  I live in sin with a divorcee.  Now, how can I put THAT right??  I wrote about my worries on this a while ago in this post and it’s come back to haunt me yet again.  This wasn’t helped by some really kind soul giving me a ‘Hell & Damnation’ talk about adultery and living in sin.  The more thought I’ve given this the more confused I’m becoming.  Fr J knew my circumstances when he confirmed me and he knows that I’m not happy with things as they are and that my long term aim is to put this right in the eyes of God and the Roman Catholic church.  I’m also aware that becoming a Christian or a Catholic is not a quick fix, you’re not a sinner one day and perfection personified the next.  It all goes back to that work in progress thing.

However, I’m scared.  I love my faith, I love Catholicism.  I’ve found myself having to defend it this week as the same kind soul who gave me the ‘Hell & Damnation’ chat thought he’d slate my choice of denomination as well, calling it a CULT among other less printable things.  Don’t you just love some people??  In a way that guy did me a favour because, as I spouted my defence of Catholicism, I realised just how much I love it, how beautiful it is and how quickly it has become the biggest part of who I am and how it enhances the way I express my deep love for God.  Going to Mass and receiving the Eucharist is an absolute privilege and renews me beyond all expectation each time I partake of it.  I cannot imagine how I would continue on without that sacrament.  You don’t realise how much you love something until someone tries to spoil or undermine all that you hold dear.  This has shaken the very foundation of the one thing that is keeping me going and I am holding on for grim death. 

A lovely man sent me this message of hope….

“Everyone in this world commits sins that they find later (hopefully!) they wish they hadn’t. You’re certainly not alone nor unique. Take comfort in knowing many have gone before you on this and you are especially blessed with this compelling desire to be forgiven. You are in good company. The love of our Lord is so immense that through reconciliation, your sins are wiped clean and forgotten – permanently. You’re on the path to salvation.” ….courtesy of Mike

So, I am going to have to speak with Fr J or Deacon J I think, before I tie myself in emotional knots of worry.  Ignorance is not bliss and I need someone who knows what they’re talking about to guide me through this and point me in the right direction so I can make it right; it’s obviously not going away anytime soon.  I have not taken reconciliation yet but as Mike said, reconcilliation is probably the way forward.

I feel better for having written this down as it’s been going round and round in my head all week.  I will come back and tell you what, if anything, happens when I’ve finally plucked up the courage to speak with someone. 

Every blessing ~ pax

Sharon xx

Humility…

 

I’ve been thinking alot about humility lately as I mentioned previously in this post.  What it is?  Whether I am an example of humility [mmmm probably not ]?  Whether it’s a gift of grace or a conscious choice that we make to live with humility [or try to] or a bit of both?  I found this today whilst looking at the Benedictine Oblates Website and I found it rather beautiful and pertinent to my thoughts just now : ~

When will you bow your head,

acknowledge me as God,

acclaim me as preeminent

and as your loving Father?

.

Unlimited, I took a body’s limitations,

for love of you became my own creation,

accepted hunger, thirst and tiredness,

fear, rejection, whips and nails,

scorn and insult, cross and death.

Was this not humility for God?

.

Put off your dreams

of self-fulfilment and autonomy.

You need the air to breathe,

food and water to survive

and living in community,

even a community of two,

limits your free will.

.

Come to me child.

Put your hand in mine and I will lead.

Surrender to my love

and find those toys you thought were lost

have been kept safe

by me, for you.

by Francis Buxton, Oblate of Douai Abbey, Berkshire

“Be still and know that I am God”

behind this calm exterior

beats a heart filled with terror,

fear, responsibility;

overwhelmed, tired, tearful, so weary.

poorly again, full of cold, sore throat, up since 3am

Mum not coping with her grief and drowning in loneliness

Son not coping with his life and drowning in self pity

trying to cope for us all and failing

it’s not a burden but it is a heavy load

are you close Lord, are you??

are you there??

I can’t feel you today but I don’t stop looking, waiting, praying

I need to feel the protection of your ‘wings’ above me

to feel the reassurance of your all encompassing love

are those your footprints in the sand?

a moment of silence is all I need

silence to just ‘be’

to just ‘be’

just ‘be’

‘be’

“Be still and know that I am God” ~ Pslam 46:10

 

Sr Paula

“There are many rooms in my father’s house”

John 14:2

In the fifty-second year of her profession, Turvey Abbey’s beloved sister
SISTER PAULA M. DANSEN, O.S.B.
was called by God into the fullness of LIFE and PEACE on
11 May 2009

Sr. Paula was born on 17 November 1930 in The Hague, Holland, and made her monastic profession at Schotenhof in 1958. For almost all of her monastic life she was cantor and sacristan. In 1962 she came to Cockfosters, where she worked in the embroidery studio and helped with guests, she moved with the community to Turvey in 1981. At Turvey she was in charge of the embroidery studio, creating wall hangings, altar frontals and vestments; as well as taking her turn with enthusiasm and willingness in the everyday work of the community. She had contact with people from all walks of life, fostering ecumenism through friendship. Many will remember her for her genuine interest in their lives and work.

 * * * * * *

Above is Sr Paula’s death notice as issued by Turvey Abbey a couple of days after her death and today is her funeral.  My prayers and love are with the Sisters and Brothers today as they lay their Sister to rest in joy and peace eternal.  A candle burns brightly for Sr Paula as I type.

Here is a section from the Office of the Dead which I shall be praying today: -

“O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting?  The sting of death is sin.  Thanks be to God for he has given us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ, alleluia.  Having the spirit of faith, we believe that he who raised up Jesus will also raise us up along with Jesus.  Thanks be to God.”

 

One month on…..

It is now just over a month since Jim died so I thought [wrongly as it turned out] that on the one month anniversary [15th] I would write something more positive about his life rather than be forever focussing on his death.  Sadly BT had other ideas as we developed a fault on the line that lasted 48 hours and left me NETless [ouch!].  Then I was suddenly rushed into hospital very early on Saturday [16th] morning ‘blues and twos’ style when a long standing pain in my tummy suddenly took on a life of its own and became unbearable.  I’d had it in a low key state for about ten days [and ignored it to be honest] but Friday afternoon saw a distinct change and by Saturday morning I was incoherent.  Have to say this was a first for me and the whole 999 thing is not to be recommended on the ’scary scale’.  Scared my poor mother to death!!  Suffice to say though that I was cared for extremely well by paramedics and hospital staff alike.  All a bit too close to Jim being in Willen for my comfort though and I left hospital against their advice later that same day.  Oh and no one is sure as to the exact cause but as my white cell count was sky high an infection is suspected so I rattle with the amount of antibiotics and analgesics that I’m taking.

So, here we are three days late with this so called positive post.  I was all up for it a week ago but now the time is here well…..I’m struggling to find the words really.  Grief is a strange thing.  One minute you think “yep, I’m doing really well, definitely moving forward with this” and then zapp!!  Before you know it you’re back where you were if not worse than before.  The climb back up does seem to be getting easier though if I’m honest.

I’m at the angry stage I think.  I’m angry with anyone and everyone.  It’s normal I’m told.  Oh really??  Doesn’t feel normal cos that’s so not who I am usually but I do feel huge irritation with people at the slightest thing.  Mrs Snippy has come to stay and it had better be a short visit.

It’s rare I use this blog to vent because I know it’s public and I don’t want people visiting here and reading depressing or angry stuff all the time.  However this is real life I suppose and, despite the fact that I’m usually a very compliant and gentle soul, as Simon will tell you “she’s fiesty when she’s roused”.

So, are there good things about being one month into bereavement??  Oh yes, despite my anger [which I suspect is healthy] there really is.  There are more fairly good days than really bad ones.  I can still remember Jim’s lovely smile, I can still hear his voice and  feel his beard against my face, all those things that are precious to my mind.  I can feel him with me in the strangest of places such as the garage last night when I was out there alone feeding the guinea pigs ~ suddenly he was there.  A couple of nights after he died I was sitting up reading in bed, fighting the desire to sleep, when I felt a firm kiss on my face.  I could even feel the damp spot the kiss left.  I opened my eyes expecting to see Simon disarming me of my glasses and book but there was no one there.  You make up your own mind about that one. 

I’m at the ‘feeling guilty if I haven’t thought about him for a whole day’ stage.  I used to wonder what all that was about when I heard other people saying it.  I apologise unreservedly for even wondering because now I know……   I was driving home today when the song that was playing as I drove away from Willen on the day Jim died came on the radio ~ now that’s a zapp if ever there was one. 

Jim left me his Freemasons pin which I wore to his funeral with the greatest of pride and it will be my treasured possesion for the rest of my life. 

So, maybe not such a positive ‘one month on’ post but a real post.  One which shows, I hope, that I am moving slowly in the right direction.  I’ve studied the various stages of grief and I’ve a long way to go [I'm on number two of six] but hey, Mum and I [and God] are travelling this road together and we help each other along.  I’m sure that if I hadn’t been so poorly this past weekend then this might have been a more uplifting read but illness and pain are not conducive to ‘happy talk’ nor the best of times to be examining one’s emotions.

Stay with me guys.

With love to all and thanks be to God for all those precious memories that take the place of the real thing and for this blog on which I can record them all.                                   

Oh here is the music that I heard driving home the day Jim died.  Possibly not the song you were expecting but the words are strangely appropriate in places and imagine it up full volume, tears falling, driving like an idiot and oh, I do know how I feel about him now…..tunes like this just stick in your head don’t they??  [I'm having trouble with this link guys ~ I will try to keep it open]

A Vow of Love…

I spent all last weekend on an Oblate retreat at Turvey Abbey.  I went with various things on my agenda ~ some quite obvious like meeting and spending time with some of the other Turvey Oblates and the Nuns ~ but also with some more subliminal needs.  Those needs could be covered by the words Peace, Healing, Humility and Understanding. 

Peace [of mind and heart] and Healing…….with Jim’s death still not a month past I’m now in a place where I need to be at peace with the fact that he has gone.  I am still grieving obviously but I need to be able to move forward with that now, to take it with me into my future where yes, it will still make me sad but not in the incapacitating way it has since he died.  During one of the sessions we did some lectio on Sunday’s gospel and this was the phrase that spoke to me “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.” John 15:4.  This was the one thing I hung on to whilst Jim was poorly.  Everything else went pear-shaped really, my offices, my worship generally, daily routine, everything.  No time to do anything, no head space even if the opportunity did present itself.  But, despite such poor application in my daily worship routine my relationship with God actually became better because my normal practises were replaced by an ongoing dialogue with Him ~ I really did remain in Him and I knew that He was constantly with me.  In fact I was closer to God during that time than I usually am.

Humility is something that I’m always aware of and try very hard to improve on daily ~ not sure it’s working but hey I refuse to give up trying.  Humility is always very difficult to explain to others I think ~ it’s a real spiritual gift and I’m not confident that I have it, even in part, but to stop trying is to be defeated, er nope I think not!!  Humility is also connected to the last word which is…..

…..Understanding ~ this covers so much of the last few weeks.  Understanding of suffering [illness, death and subsequent grief], of why people behave in certain ways and of my reaction to that of late [grief led or spirit led?].  I prayed about this all weekend and had just about reached the end of the retreat when Br John gave his homily on yep, you guessed it ’suffering’.  The upshot was that we shouldn’t seek out suffering, that we should give the potential for suffering over to God and, in the words of Br John, ‘transcend it’.  That is not all he said by any means but it spoke right into my soul.  His words confirmed for me that I’m on the right track with my questions surrounding this and I really needed to hear that, it lightened my load immensely.

The Sisters were sharing with us some experiences of their monastic life and as the theme for the weekend was ‘Silence‘ one of the things they are often asked is ‘Sister, do you take a vow of silence?’  Apparently not as there is no such thing but obviously they do have times/periods/places of silence as part of their rule of daily monastic life.  However, Sr Miriam expounded on this by saying that perhaps during a time of silent work or domesticity it may become obvious that the Sister they’re working alongside is troubled or upset so at that point it seems unkind to continue on in silence when a word of comfort might be more in order.  So when Sr Miriam is asked if they take a vow of silence her reply [after this example is explained] is no, we take a vow of love.  I thought this was the most beautiful explanation of monastic living that I’d ever heard and one that can be so easily transplanted into our daily lives. 

So, I’ve returned home a new woman having been cherished and loved by the Nuns and other Oblates all weekend.  On reflection I was very quiet during my stay and didn’t contribute much during discussion but there is never any pressure to perform.  Often coming home from retreats or quiet days can leave me feeling shell~shocked once normal life hits, but not this time.  I’m still at peace and feeling very calm.  I’m newly motivated for my life once again and found myself cooking for pleasure tonight for the first time since Jim died.  I feel very liberated and free both emotionally and timewise ~ God has done some serious and welcome pruning in my life [see Sunday's gospel John 15].  

The picture above is one I took in the grounds at Turvey [thank you xx], the smaller gated archway on the right leads to a pretty little memorial garden for deceased Nuns and Monks and the larger arch on the left leads back to the monastery.  I spent some time reflecting and thinking in the memorial garden and was then content to leave.  It is a really good image to illustrate what has happened to me this weekend ~ having spent time in the garden of grief I am now moving through the bigger archway back towards life.  Not my old life, as that has gone forever, but hopefully towards something as good if not better. 

Pax et bonum

Sharon xx