Alleluia! He is Risen, He is Risen Indeed ~ Alleluia!! I hope all who read are having a blessed Easter Tide….xxx
I thought that after the rather revelatory nature of my previous post I should follow-up with a “here’s where I’m at now” type entry. Things have been spiralling downwards for the last year or so for alsorts of small reasons, no one major thing. Culminating with my spending all of Lent in spiritual limbo, in fact attending the Ashing service this year was my last ditch attempt to feel something authentic. I left that service feeling nothing much at all, just empty and despondant having gone with hopes of. . . well of what exactly I’m not sure but with hopes of something tangible, positive. Normally I’m challenged and motivated by the ceremony and meaning behind Ash Wednesday but not this year…..
I came home and just prayed pretty much every spare minute I had for the next few days. I admit I’ve looked into other religions too, even non-Christian based ones but have found similar emotional/spiritual obstacles to the ones I’m dealing with now where I’m at. So no quick fix available then. I shouldn’t be that surprised as nothing worth having comes easy in my experience. I just want a relationship with God that’s not impeded by man-made ‘stuff’….
Ash Wednesday kind of brought the whole situation to a rather desperate head. Subsequently I’ve drifted through Lent, trying different things on for size, researching, praying, trying to work out where God wants me to be. I’ve also looked hard at what I’M thinking and whether I really want to be tethered to a denomination or religious organisation at all. Am I over-thinking things? Am I expecting too much? Due to the last year not feeling ‘right’ spiritually speaking I’ve been slack in my Mass attendance and not as structured with my prayer life as I used to be. Is this a case of putting in very little and expecting the world by return? Any relationship will die if you don’t ‘feed’ it and I’ve given my relationship with God an unintentional case of anorexia by dropping all my regular practices. It could be that I’m just starving myself of God and then wondering why I feel so lost.
This Easter weekend was quite interesting. I’ve always loved Easter and the message of hope it brings with it. The absolute despair followed by such complete joy. Such polarity of emotions. Despite not attending any services [I’d just feel a fraud at the moment] I did go through the motions for Ethan who is enjoying his Catholic faith through school [and home] immensely. We spoke about the meaning of Easter and he asked many questions including about the significance of Easter Eggs which I enjoyed discussing with him. Whilst we were chatting away I suddenly realised how totally ‘Catholic’ I have become, in my thinking and actions. How very ‘at home’ I am with the whole beauty and liturgy of the faith. This was not an spontaneous transformation that hapened with a puff of magical smoke at the moment Fr James placed his hands on my head to receive me into the Chruch. This has been a slow, gradual conversion in every sense of the word. There are some areas of Catholic teaching that I don’t agree with, but then I didn’t agree with them when I became a Catholic in 2009 so that’s no great revelation. I don’t think any denomination is a perfect fit for any of it’s faithful, or at least I suspect it’s rare but that’s usually more to do with the man-made ‘stuff’ I mentioned before and not about God and His teachings.
So I’ve become a self-fulfilling prophecy of my own making. I’ve always said I was a Catholic woman of faith and, almost without noticing, I’ve morphed into one. The thing to consider now is do I actually want that title? If so, do I deserve that title? Is it just cosy and comfy while everything spiritual feels strange and unfamiliar? Is it just all too convenient? More thinking is required and more prayer, more conversations with God . . . He who never leaves my side no matter how far from Him I might stray.
Happy Easter to you all Sharon. A great post and much food for thought. Bests N
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A blessed Easter to you Mr H ~ hope all is well with you and yours. Glad you liked the post. S xx
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Please do not give up and please do not go looking at different religions. I have been through the same as you and i looked at different spiritual paths and it almost destroyed my life, the devil is cunning and you are going to have to start getting serious before this gets out of hand, trust me i know what i am talking about and i don’t want you going down the same path. Do not slacken off prayers or going to mass, that is the worst thing you can do and do not stay away from mass because you feel a fraud that is the devil talking, several priests told me that when i went through the same feelings so you don’t have to take my word for it. That’s another thing – don’t trust your own feelings. try the spiritual exercises of Ignatius Loyola, seek a spiritual director if you can. The following suggestions will definitely help – do lectio divina (even if think you get nothing from it – everyday!), do the rosary (everyday!) but do it with the bible open at the mystery and focus on the mystery even just one line of the mystery, do the divine mercy chaplet everyday, mass every week and regular confession (i would suggest every week or two if you can) but most of all do not slacken off because you feel nothing or feel something one minute and nothing the next, do not trust your own feelings. Stop trying too hard, let go and let God. While you are going through the difficult times offer it up. One last thing that i would recommend is the Consecration to Jesus through Mary by St Louie Marie de Montford. It changed my life and if it is good enough for Mother Theresa and JPII then it is got to be worth a try. Do not give up and i am now starting a novena for you, i am going to ask St Therese to send you a rose to strengthen your faith and as a sign that the catholic church is where God wants you to be. This year has been one of the most difficult lent for the church worldwide that i can remember, but we have to trust that God knows what He is doing, and you just have to let go and trust that He knows what He is doing with you.
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Dear DL ~ thank you for your comment. I’m afraid that although I know you mean well by it, it’s exactly all that you’ve put above that makes me feel pressured and want to run as fast and as far away from the Catholic Church as I can. Some of the above advice [Mass and Sacraments aside] does not come from God’s word, it is not biblically based ~ that is the ‘man-made stuff’ that I referred to. I am not slacking off prayers, in fact I’m praying more, just less structured, no offices. My attendance [or not] at Mass is very personal and not for others to decide.
God meant our relationship with Him to be simple. Jesus took himself off somewhere quiet to pray. I don’t remember him being armed with a stash of prayer aids, pre-scripted prayers or rules, he just went and spent time with God. That’s what He wants for us in my opinion, not all these trappings that go along with it and which, for me, just get in the way. I found I was worrying more about the rules, timings, Holy Days and trappings than I was about my relationship with God and that seems far more likely to be the work of the enemy.
Thank you once again for your obvious concern. Your prayers are much appreciated also xx.
Sharon xx
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“Not From God/Jesus”, “not biblically based”, “man-made”! The chaplet of Divine Mercy came from Jesus to St Faustina, the rosary came from Our Lady to St Dominic, these are not “man-made”. Lectio Divina is reading and meditating on the word of God you can’t get any more biblical than that. Mass is biblical and so are the sacraments. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBEsrcF9SGg
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Dear DL ~ I never said the Mass or the Sacraments weren’t biblically based as quite obviously they are [I’ve added an aside to my previous reply to make absolutely clear what I thought was already quite obvious], but the rest is not biblically based and that is my book of reference. Lectio Divina [which I also didn’t mention] is just another form of reading the scriptures in a meditative way, not a practise mentioned in the bible but another beautiful way of reading and studying it, so no not biblically based either. I’m referring to things that are/are not directly referred to in the bible. The Mass and the Sacraments ARE referred to in the bible, the other things you’ve mentioned are not however.
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Comment unpublished by Blog Owner for the following reasons: ~
Dear DL
I have not included this latest [and last comment] of yours as I feel that you are completely off topic from my original post. I am not here to debate the pros and cons of Catholic teachings, historical traditions and the like. Given my present spiritual status you’re actually doing more harm than good and it’s a fine line you’re treading between offering helpful advice and brow-beating someone into submission.
I absolutely respect your views/beliefs and you have every right to have and practice them freely. However, in the same vein, this is my personal blog where I am free to air my personal views in what I believe to be a non-offensive manner. You should also respect my right to do that. I have thanked you for and responded to your original advice and opinion and respectfully stated that I do not find it to be helpful at this time and therefore will not be following or taking it no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise.
I will not publish any further comments that bring into debate the rights and wrongs of the Catholic faith as I, for one, am not qualified to comment on that. I will only speak of my personal experiences and only I am qualified to do that.
That will be the last word on the matter.
Sharon
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Perhaps a retreat might be useful to help you focus on things and talk issues through with someone?
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Dear Co Kerry Murphy ~ thank you for stopping-by and taking the time to comment. I have considered a time away at a local Abbey to collect my thoughts. It is always an option out of term-time [I work in a school] but this also depends on family pressures too so a lot to juggle and not much opportunity for huge amounts of ‘me’ time. I am talking with people when I feel the need but I’m not very good at relying on others if I’m honest. Families are a blessing but at times I’d like to be able to hit the pause button just to be able to take a moment….. 🙂
Sharon xx
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Dearest Sharon, my prayer is that you will just be able to rest in God, simply that, and allow His Spirit to touch your soul. Wherever you end up *denominationally* doesn’t matter, what matters is that He loves you with a perfect love, and wants to just let that love fall upon you. Praying that you will be tangibly aware of it in the coming days and weeks.
Love A xx
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Dearest Autumn ~ thank you so very much. I am trying very hard to do just what you say and simply rest in God. Oh and re the PS you would appear to be right on the nail 😉 .
My soul and I are holding tight 😆 xxx
with much love
Sharon xx
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I think we walked together often this Lent though we didn’t know it. Thank you for your courage in giving me the gift of your writings!
I was very much struck by “I’ve given my relationship with God an unintentional case of anorexia by dropping all my regular practices. It could be that I’m just starving myself of God and then wondering why I feel so lost.” as I realize I have done exactly that too many times to count.
Yet each time I hold up my stubborn, tear-stained face, there He is waiting and welcoming.
I am Catholic too, have been all my life, yet I do not agree with everything and ache over some things. I learned something when I spoke of some of those things to a learned priest – it is in canon law, in fact, and in the articles of Vatican II – not even the church has the right to stand between a well-formed conscience and God. Rome is not God nor are you expected to behave as though it is!
An administration is not His church. It is a group of people who will sometimes do well and sometimes not, they are human and subject to temptation, perhaps even more than most of us.
You’re going to be alright. God will not lose you. You can indeed be who you are and be that Catholic woman you feel within. You say that you don’t know if you deserve the title of “Catholic woman.” Do any of us? Is it even a title?
Our Lord is sweet and calls us in sublime invitation. When I am in turmoil, then is the time for me to rest – just rest. It is not the time to make decisions.
I was in such a state once when I spoke of it to a priest who, saying I was indeed experiencing a true trial, quoted another who said in essence “do not make decisions during such a time unless you want the Devil for your spiritual director.”
My worst trials come when I have, or am about to, more fully answer that sweet invitation of our Lord. Hang on. God will not lose you.
Peace.
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Dear Hidden Lives
Thank you for such a comprehensive and honest reply. I have gained much comfort from your words, “not even the church has the right to stand between a well-formed conscience and God”. I have learned something from you today.
As both yourself and Autumn have said this is not a time for huge life changing decisions but a time to rest in His love and wait on Him to move, as move He will….I will just use the time wisely in prayer and contemplation. My nearly 50 years on this earth have [finally 😉 ] taught me patience so I am content to sit this out.
I feel a certain meeting of souls in the knowledge that we travelled [albeit unwittingly] together through Lent and retrospectively I find that most comforting. May God also bring you the peace you seek and may that peace be perfect….
Sharon xx
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PS Sorry to bother you twice.
I read some of the comments and your responses, and feel the need to add that there are, indeed, no “magic words.” Prescribed, or memorized prayers and novenas are important tools – for us – not because God needs them or only responds to them. Contemplative prayer, that sublime wordless “dart of love” (quote from The Cloud of Unknowing) and perhaps that’s where you are being led.
Sometimes I feel so paralyzed and unable to pray that I can only offer that wordless dart of love, hope, seeking.
I am sorry that you’ve felt things shoved at you – you are very gracious in handling them. I hope that I have not done the same and that you will forgive me if I have.
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Dear PS Hidden Lives 🙂 xx
No you haven’t ‘shoved’ anything my way at all. It’s not so much what you say as how you say it and there is a world of difference and we’ll leave that there as I’m sure you know what I mean xx
Contemplative prayer is all I have right now. I am having an almost constant conversation with God. Not out loud all of the time for fear of scaring people in the grocery store, but in my heart the dialogue is endless.
The problem I found [suddenly] with pre-scripted prayers such as novenas, the rosary etc is that they became empty, meaningless, more of a duty than an act of worship. I cannot insult my God with empty, meaningless prayers. The only things I cling to are the Psalms and the Our Father ~ those continue to reflect my love of God and cannot be sullied, not even by my darkest of days….
Arrow prayers [darts of love as you called them which is much nicer] are a real blessing when you just don’t know quite where to start or find you cannot start at all….
I have enjoyed sharing this experience with you.
Love and blessings
Sharon xx
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Sharon,
Keeping you in my prayers as I have done since I first met you. You have faith, and a strong faith and denomination I feel is about what best fits. I believe faith is personal to each of us and God loves us for who we each are and for our individual gifts. I believe that those who have the strongest of faith question it the most, always looking deeper and striving to serve in all and every aspect of ones life. I pray that you find peace in your questioning and find comfort and calm in your faith.
xx Tracey
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Hello Tracey 🙂
Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m still in the ‘same place’ as it were but I’m feeling positive about things which is a vast improvement on a few weeks ago when it all felt like the end of the world. I think having an active/living faith means that we do indeed question things often and possibly this is the best way to grow within our faith. I suspect I’m probably never going to be a passive observer, going through the motions without any connection. I would like peace and the confidence to know that I’m doing the right thing, for God, and yes for me too….
The hardest part is not having anyone [religious] irl to chew the fat with about it ~ some of what I’m thinking would [and has] shocked people so I’m reluctant to share too openly anymore.
[Hope new job is going well xx]
Sharon xx
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Well sweetie I will chew the cud with you anytime we can arrange it xx (& you will be glad to know I have become unshockable)
Blessings & love xx
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