Not So Ordinary Time. . .

Chapel at Turvey Abbey during Ordinary Time

Hi everyone xx.  I know it’s been a while and yes, I did ‘hide’ my blog for a few weeks while I was deciding whether to continue with it or not.  I have this inner battle every now and then, usually when I realise that I’m blogging for my readers more than I am for myself.  This leads to self-imposed pressure that I don’t enjoy.  Time to take a break when that happens.  I’ve also started a hand-written journal that I’ve kept up with faithfully for quite a while now.  It’s a lot less pressured as I’m the only audience so there’s no pressure to perform as it were.  There’s something very satisfying about putting pen to paper and just spilling your thoughts onto a crispy fresh, clean page.

However, that said, today I have something to share so was inspired to blog.  I saw this thought provoking article about Ordinary Time posted by the Nuns of Turvey Abbey on Facebook yesterday and was inspired to respond.  The article talks about OT being a period of waiting, a lull in our liturgical year and, for some, a time of restlessness between pivotal [more exciting?] points in our church calendar.  It’s a really good read, and I am always interested to see how others travel through the religious seasons. 

For those who are not certain, Ordinary Time starts after Pentecost, which was June 8th this year, and carries right through until the start of Advent.  There is also a period of OT which runs from the feast of the Epiphany in early January and ends on Ash Wednesday, being our marker for the beginning of Lent.

Personally, I love the gentle rhythm of the liturgical year. It was the one thing I missed during my denominational discernment [2006-2009], especially when venturing into the more evangelical ‘happy clappy’ churches [great singing though 😉 ]. I was bereft at the lack of liturgy and ceremony. I think that’s what drew me to Catholicism in the end. I don’t ‘need’ all that ceremony and all those feast days to be catholic, but they’re a great reminder of how important my faith is because so much effort and value is placed in the Mass and all that it holds/offers.

Ordinary Time is a gift really, a time to take a breath, take stock, think about my faith without the pressure of Lent or Advent to distract me from the simplicity of my faith. Just occasionally it’s good to be your own focus and hopefully, whilst taking a good look at yourself, you might even see Jesus walking right there beside you….

photograph courtesy of Turvey Abbey

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Happy New Year….

…..and some news….I’m back to update you all. 

We have moved house finally [sounds of cheering and applauding heard in the background]!!!  It was on Friday 13th November which, under the circumstances, I thought was very appropriate considering the amount of grief and hassle and two last minute cancellations we had in the days prior.  We were unpacked and sorted within less than a week partly due to the fact that I can’t live in chaos and also because I started a new job on the 17th November so time was of the essence.  I am a teaching assistant in Foundation/Reception year ~ 27 hours a week, temporary contract until April’10.  I’m not sure if I’m enjoying it yet as, with the stress of the move, starting mid-term and the build up to Christmas my head has only just stopped spinning.  I reckon I’ll just have a hold on it all about a week before my contract expires :).

The new house is lovely.  Still a building site outside as it’s a very new part of MK but the house itself is better than we’d hoped.  Smaller yes, but that has been a good thing as it turns out ~ gives rise to even more mininalism on my part which I really like.  Very liberating!!

We’ve all had Swine Flu ~ Si and Ethan were very poorly but I seemed to get off quite lightly. 

Ethan has completed his first term at school and is still loving it for the most part.   He is still the light of my life ~ such a joy!!!

Millie is well into A levels now and is coping extremely well with the huge change in academic pressure in comparison to GCSE’s.

My faith continues on with my usual enthusiasm although time is now very restricted with work added to my list of responsiblities.  I used to whinge about being busy before which is laughable looking back.  I spent the first two weeks of my new job grieving for the loss of time to pray and be with God.  I had become very used to a rather more sedate pace of life.  This has had a knock-on effect on my ability to attend Mass.  No more weekday Mass for me in term-time and in fact most weekends have become a manic round of domestics and food shopping.  I’m hoping that, with Christmas now behind me, a rather less chaotic schedule will emerge and within that some space for Mass and Turvey.  I am praying hard to that end but have to do my part to [want to] make some time.  One of my friends asked me, on hearing of my new job so close to the move and Christmas, “Do you find that you’re chasing your tail all the time?” ~ er that’ll be a yes then lol. 

I’ve just finished reading ‘An Infinity of Little Hours’  by Nancy Klein Maguire which I enjoyed immensely.  I would highly recommend it to all those who, like me, have a love of all things Carthusian.  It brings alot of comfort to know that even Carthusian monks face the same doubts and struggles as the rest of us.  I’ve now started ‘Finding Happiness’ by Abbot Christopher Jamison which I got from Si for Christmas.  I’ll let you know what I think of it.

I’ve started my Seven Sacred Pauses study again although I’ve not done enough work or reading to update on here yet, but soon hopefully.

I’ve really missed my blog and have been tempted many times to just leave a short post but in all honesty I haven’t had two minutes to do it justice.  It’s been quite freeing not to have that self imposed pressure.  I’m not sure how Christmas happened either but happen it did and without alot of time or input on my part.  Just goes to show all that hype and stress is really not necessary.   It was actually a lovely time and nice to just be a family, enjoy our new home and place the stresses and sadness of last year firmly behind us.

So, Happy New Year to you all.  May the love of God surround you in everything you do in the year ahead, moving you ever closer to His loving arms.

Pax et bonum.

Sharon xx

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Same God, different building!!

I was at the checkout in Asda the day before Ethan’s baptism buying all the food for the celebration party.  The lady serving me was a beautiful black woman.  She could tell by my purchases that we were having a party of some sort so I told her what the celebration was for.  There ensued a lovely discussion on the joy of baptism per se and our faith.  At the end of the conversation we realised that she was Anglican and I was Catholic.  However, that really didn’t seem to matter ~ same God, different building we said, smiling.  For a while there we’d had a beautiful bond and despite the difference in our denominations we were singing from the same page in every way. It was a memorable moment for both of us I think and we hugged as we parted probably never to meet again ~ except in Christ!!!

I have often wondered and been asked if I think Catholicism is the only denomination ~ the right way, the path to eternal life.  I’d have to say no, I don’t think that, but it is the right way for me.  I love the Catholic faith, it fits me well and is the best way for me to express my love for God and He knew that which is why He called me to convert.  I will always defend my right to practise Catholicism and am fully prepared to defend and protect both my church and my choice.  However do I think everyone should be a Catholic?  No, I do not, unless they want to.  I am not arrogant enough to think that I’ve successfully manged to choose the only way to heaven!  Would I like everyone to find salvation in Christ?  Oh, yes, yes, I would, with all my heart. 

I think, as I’ve blogged before, that 43 years of  having very little faith whilst living a very tough life and then 2 years of trying various denominations on for size [and finding God in all of them] have left me very accepting and ecumenical.  That’s alot of experience to just cast off and ignore.  I suspect this is why Turvey is such a good fit for me.  No matter what Christian denomination you are there is a place for you at Turvey.  That warms my heart beyond measure.  I would probably encourage people to be Benedictine before I encouraged them to be Catholic as the more I learn about the Benedictine way the more it enhances and encourages me.  The Rule of St. Benedict helps me to be the best person I can be in Christ and consequently in life.  Like the Catholic faith, being Benedictine fits me like a pair of good shoes, although I’m at the very start of that journey and a long way from living The Rule as I should but, as with all long journeys you need a pair of good shoes.

I expect that are many who will want to shoot me down in flames for these rather broad and relaxed views but I know that there’s a God shaped hole in all of us just waiting to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  I can see that longing, that lack of fulfillment in alot of the people I meet.  Whatever Christian denomination it takes to fill that hole and bring out the love of the Holy Spirit in each person is all that matters from where I’m sitting. 

I don’t feel that God loves me any more or less now I’m a Catholic.  He called me as a non denominational person and that is all I need to know.   I thank God for meeting that lady at the checkout out in Asda.  She showed me the very best face of Christianity long before we even gave a thought to what building we worshipped in.  I’m so glad that it was one of the last things we said to each other rather than one of the first.  The first thing we knew about each other was that we both loved Christ and for those few minutes we loved each other in Christ.  Thanks be to God!!

[The picture above is of Christ the Cornerstone church in the city centre of Milton Keynes where I live.  It is apparently the first purpose built, ecumenical church in the UK and for me it is the best visual illustration of what this post is all about.  All denominations meeting under one roof to love and serve the Lord.  Amazing!!]

 

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Wednesday’s wafflings…

I’m back ~ not quite over whatever it is that ails me just yet but well on the mend I’d say.  I think I’m in what one would term as the convalescent stage. 

Thought I’d just do a newsy blog as I’ve been away for such a long time.  Firstly the house move [“stop groaning you there at the back ;)”].  We’ve actually lost yet another buyer since the last time I was brave enough to mention this topic but we sold again within 48 hours so not much has changed in reality.  Still hoping to move by the end of the summer holidays but it’s looking unlikely if I’m being honest.  By some miracle of God though we’ve still got our new little house on the other side of the city waiting for us.

I have finally registered for the Catholic Certificate of Religious Studies as Fr J said he [or rather the parish] would sponsor me if I in return would offer my newly qualified services to the parish.  Couldn’t get a ‘yes’ out fast enough so I start the course in September.  Quite excited if a little nervous.

I’ve missed Mass for the last two sunday’s as was just too ill to leave the house really.  Finally managed to get to Mass on Monday though and it was lovely ~ I miss it so much when I haven’t been for a week or so.  Tomorrow is the feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord which is one of the most meaningful passages in the bible for me [wikipedia synopsis] so I’m happy to say that it coincides very nicely with Mass at Christ the King in the morning so I’ll be able to celebrate one of my favourite feast days in style!

Hoping to get to Turvey Abbey next week as it’s been far too long since my last visit.  I need a ‘Turvey Refill’ every now and then to keep me going.  When we move [that was a confident statement huh :)?] I’ll be ten minutes nearer to Turvey so no excuses then about having to battle the city traffic to get there!!  I’m just starting on part three of my ‘Seven Sacred Pauses’ study which is part of my formation journey towards becoming an Oblate.  I’m writing about it here if you want to see what it involves.  Or alternatively click on the SSP tab at the top of the page.

My little lad Ethan will be four years old on Saturday and he’s also being baptised into the Catholic faith on the same day.  We’re having a family party to celebrate this momentous occasion.  I’m rather busy with the logistics and preparations but it’ll all be fine once the time is here.  Will post some photo’s on his blog [and maybe on here too] after the fact.

As I’ve mentioned before I was offered a job on the Maternity Unit at MK General Hospital in October last year.  Despite my references coming back fine and my enhanced CRB being clear I’ve heard nothing.  True to say that with Jim being so ill during the first part of this year I was quite relieved not to have been given a start date and then I kind of lost motivation for the whole idea as I mentioned in this post.  However, today something inspired me to give their HR department a call.  I had a long chat with a guy there [who I spoke to last year and he remembered me] really with a view to just finding out what on earth has happened to this job offer.  I’ve a feeling it probably doesn’t still exist and that some ghastly administrative faux pas has occured but I’m just intrigued to know if I’m honest.  He sounded very concerned especially once he remembered talking to me previously.  I’m expecting a call back from the person ‘responsible’ for that position.  Should be an interesting chat :D.

That’s me I think.  Thank you to everyone who wished me well during my poorly interlude.  Your prayers and love were and are much appreciated.

Pax

S xx

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Father’s Day….

Apologies for absence are in order I feel.  I’ve just not felt in the mood to blog much.  Since my last two posts about my emotional and spiritual struggles  I’ve been very reflective and have spent time thinking, praying and just being with God.  When life gets tough I tend to scale down and keep it simple which leaves more room for discernment.  It’s actually been quite refreshing to be honest.  I’ve also been very poorly again ~ all connected with my last emergency visit to A&E ~ Thursday morning at 2am found me being rushed once again by ambulance to MK General this time with a massive haemorrhage.  This is not the place to go into detail but suffice to say it was very scary both for me and for my family.  It took three hours to get the bleeding under control by which time I thought I was looking at a hysterectomy which thankfully in the end I didn’t need.  I’m left feeling very nervous though and will be back at the doctors next week.

So, Father’s Day ~ hmmmm….first one ever with no father figure in my life!!  I did wonder how the day would pan out and whether or not I’d be very sad and I am sad but I think I was kind of prepared so emotions haven’t overwhelmed me too much.  It is really not accurate to say that I have no father figure in my life because of course there is God and He is doing a wonderful job of filling that role for me.  The image at the top of the post is what I see in my mind’s eye when I think of God’s love for me.  I am enfolded in His arms and surrounded by His Spirit; that’s a wonderful place to be.  He is a tangible part of my life at the moment which I’m sure is because my need is greater than usual.  Mass has taken on a deeper meaning as well and all the chaos and intensity of the early part of this year is falling away to be replaced by a sense of purpose and calm.

I’ve recently looked into taking the Catholic Certificate of Religious Studies which is due to start in September but it’s quite alot of money and I just don’t have that right now so I shall review that option again next year.  It looks really interesting though but maybe I do have enough on my plate with Ethan starting school in September and the house move pending.  We have home educated Ethan for his pre-school years [and loved doing so] but we always said that if he ever expressed a wish to go to school then we’d make that happen.  Of late he’s been very interested in other children and school in general so we feel he’s probably ready now.  However, I am getting itchy to do something productive with a bit of ‘me’ time in sight……

which leads me to…..

….. some of you may remember me being offered a job at Milton Keynes General Hospital at the end of last year working on Maternity well, suffice to say that despite my CRB having been back for months I’ve heard absolutely nothing, zilch, nada, not a lot….  When Jim was ill I was grateful that they didn’t contact me but now, well over six months down the line, I’ve absolutely no idea what they’re playing at.  I suspect that I’ve been lost in the admin. pile or that they’ve run out of funding and are hoping that I just don’t notice their failure to give me a starting date.  My initial contact with their HR department was dodgy to say the least, I received some forms twice and others not at all which didn’t fill me with confidence.  All very strange!!!  I won’t be contacting them as I’ve lost the will to live with it now, the moment has passed I think!!

The house move still seems to be going ahead albeit very slowly but as we don’t want to move until the summer holidays then we’re in no rush….yet lol.  Remind me I said that when September is looming large and we’re still here.

Ethan and Si have started coming to Mass with me every other week which is lovely.  It’s mostly for Ethan’s benefit but how wonderful of Si to support me in that and to bring Ethan so that I can still participate fully in worship while we share the job of entertaining Ethan.  The date has been set for Ethan’s baptism into the Catholic faith which is most exciting and Deacon J is going to be taking the service which, as you can imagine, I’m very happy about.

I went with my friend Liz to hear  Eileen Shaughnessy from Cockfosters Healing Ministery speak a couple of weekends ago.  It was really good and very inspiring.  After the main talk the ladies came round to lay on hands and pray over us individually.  I accepted the offer not expecting to feel much [I’m always quite reserved at events like this] but found my whole body tingling for the duration of the prayer in a most alarming way and felt quite tearful afterwards.  The Ministery must have a relationship with the Vita et Pax Convent also in Cockfosters [the only other Olivetan Convent in the UK  ~ if I’ve understood that right ~ and sister convent to Priory of Our Lady of Peace at Turvey] because there was mention of them and also of Turvey ~ small world.

Okay ~ update finished and I’m off to bed as it’s nearly 11pm.  I always end up blogging at unearthly hours probably because the house is quiet and I’ve got space to think.

Pax et bonum xx

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Sr Paula

“There are many rooms in my father’s house”

John 14:2

In the fifty-second year of her profession, Turvey Abbey’s beloved sister
SISTER PAULA M. DANSEN, O.S.B.
was called by God into the fullness of LIFE and PEACE on
11 May 2009

Sr. Paula was born on 17 November 1930 in The Hague, Holland, and made her monastic profession at Schotenhof in 1958. For almost all of her monastic life she was cantor and sacristan. In 1962 she came to Cockfosters, where she worked in the embroidery studio and helped with guests, she moved with the community to Turvey in 1981. At Turvey she was in charge of the embroidery studio, creating wall hangings, altar frontals and vestments; as well as taking her turn with enthusiasm and willingness in the everyday work of the community. She had contact with people from all walks of life, fostering ecumenism through friendship. Many will remember her for her genuine interest in their lives and work.

 * * * * * *

Above is Sr Paula’s death notice as issued by Turvey Abbey a couple of days after her death and today is her funeral.  My prayers and love are with the Sisters and Brothers today as they lay their Sister to rest in joy and peace eternal.  A candle burns brightly for Sr Paula as I type.

Here is a section from the Office of the Dead which I shall be praying today: –

“O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting?  The sting of death is sin.  Thanks be to God for he has given us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ, alleluia.  Having the spirit of faith, we believe that he who raised up Jesus will also raise us up along with Jesus.  Thanks be to God.”

 

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A Vow of Love…

I spent all last weekend on an Oblate retreat at Turvey Abbey.  I went with various things on my agenda ~ some quite obvious like meeting and spending time with some of the other Turvey Oblates and the Nuns ~ but also with some more subliminal needs.  Those needs could be covered by the words Peace, Healing, Humility and Understanding. 

Peace [of mind and heart] and Healing…….with Jim’s death still not a month past I’m now in a place where I need to be at peace with the fact that he has gone.  I am still grieving obviously but I need to be able to move forward with that now, to take it with me into my future where yes, it will still make me sad but not in the incapacitating way it has since he died.  During one of the sessions we did some lectio on Sunday’s gospel and this was the phrase that spoke to me “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.” John 15:4.  This was the one thing I hung on to whilst Jim was poorly.  Everything else went pear-shaped really, my offices, my worship generally, daily routine, everything.  No time to do anything, no head space even if the opportunity did present itself.  But, despite such poor application in my daily worship routine my relationship with God actually became better because my normal practises were replaced by an ongoing dialogue with Him ~ I really did remain in Him and I knew that He was constantly with me.  In fact I was closer to God during that time than I usually am.

Humility is something that I’m always aware of and try very hard to improve on daily ~ not sure it’s working but hey I refuse to give up trying.  Humility is always very difficult to explain to others I think ~ it’s a real spiritual gift and I’m not confident that I have it, even in part, but to stop trying is to be defeated, er nope I think not!!  Humility is also connected to the last word which is…..

…..Understanding ~ this covers so much of the last few weeks.  Understanding of suffering [illness, death and subsequent grief], of why people behave in certain ways and of my reaction to that of late [grief led or spirit led?].  I prayed about this all weekend and had just about reached the end of the retreat when Br John gave his homily on yep, you guessed it ‘suffering’.  The upshot was that we shouldn’t seek out suffering, that we should give the potential for suffering over to God and, in the words of Br John, ‘transcend it’.  That is not all he said by any means but it spoke right into my soul.  His words confirmed for me that I’m on the right track with my questions surrounding this and I really needed to hear that, it lightened my load immensely.

The Sisters were sharing with us some experiences of their monastic life and as the theme for the weekend was ‘Silence‘ one of the things they are often asked is ‘Sister, do you take a vow of silence?’  Apparently not as there is no such thing but obviously they do have times/periods/places of silence as part of their rule of daily monastic life.  However, Sr Miriam expounded on this by saying that perhaps during a time of silent work or domesticity it may become obvious that the Sister they’re working alongside is troubled or upset so at that point it seems unkind to continue on in silence when a word of comfort might be more in order.  So when Sr Miriam is asked if they take a vow of silence her reply [after this example is explained] is no, we take a vow of love.  I thought this was the most beautiful explanation of monastic living that I’d ever heard and one that can be so easily transplanted into our daily lives. 

So, I’ve returned home a new woman having been cherished and loved by the Nuns and other Oblates all weekend.  On reflection I was very quiet during my stay and didn’t contribute much during discussion but there is never any pressure to perform.  Often coming home from retreats or quiet days can leave me feeling shell~shocked once normal life hits, but not this time.  I’m still at peace and feeling very calm.  I’m newly motivated for my life once again and found myself cooking for pleasure tonight for the first time since Jim died.  I feel very liberated and free both emotionally and timewise ~ God has done some serious and welcome pruning in my life [see Sunday’s gospel John 15].  

The picture above is one I took in the grounds at Turvey [thank you xx], the smaller gated archway on the right leads to a pretty little memorial garden for deceased Nuns and Monks and the larger arch on the left leads back to the monastery.  I spent some time reflecting and thinking in the memorial garden and was then content to leave.  It is a really good image to illustrate what has happened to me this weekend ~ having spent time in the garden of grief I am now moving through the bigger archway back towards life.  Not my old life, as that has gone forever, but hopefully towards something as good if not better. 

Pax et bonum

Sharon xx

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Holy Wednesday

I love you, Lord, my strength

my rock, my fortress, my saviour.

My God is the rock where I take refuge;

my shield, my mighty help, my stronghold.

the Lord is worth of all praise.

Psalm 18 [19]:2-3

This was the prayer at the end of my Lenten reflection today.  It is the sum of everything that I pray during this time.  Despite the sadness of my [our] journey this is still such a time of blessing and learning for me.  Blessings given by friends, family and even ‘strangers’ that just pass by my blog with words of prayer and support.  Such an outpouring of love from everyone which leaves me constantly amazed and ever appreciative.  And learning ~ mostly about myself and my need for humility.  God continues to answer my prayers for strength and He definitely ‘is the rock where I take refuge’. 

One of the Sr’s from Turvey said to me today that she would pray for everything to happen in the best way possible which is a lovely prayer.  I ask this too in Jesus name ~ not for me so much but for Mum and Jim.  May everything to come for them happen in the gentlest, kindest and best way possible. 

Pax

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Last post until after Easter [probably] …

I’m giving myself some time off from blogging over Easter to concentrate on my faith and its meaning during this most holy of times, my forthcoming Confirmation, my family and also ~ myself!!  This Lent is beyond words for me.  Beyond description in it’s beauty and the depths to which it’s touched my spirit.  I’ve found out things about myself and my relationship with God that I cannot even begin to share. 

I have a new project also that I’m considering which I’ll keep you all in suspense about until I’ve decided whether or not to persue it.

I spent a divine [in every sense of the word] day at Turvey Abbey last Saturday [28th] on a day retreat for discerning Oblates.  I met an amazing group of people and also I met someone who I’d only had an email relationship with up until then.  ‘J’ and I are travelling a smilar path but from different denominations [J is Anglican].   The Sr’s put us in touch with each other when I first enquired about Oblation at Turvey and we’ve kept up a regular electronic dialogue ever since.  We finally met ‘in the flesh’ so to speak on Saturday and found that we get on every bit as well in ‘real life’ as we do in cyber space which is lovely, as is she. 

The Sr’s gave so much of themselves as they always do and Turvey is starting to feel like ‘coming home’ rather than going out.  I always feel so loved and cared for there.  We focussed on monastic life [and some of the core values therein] from the Sr’s perspective, and also talked about praying the Divine Office and shared information about the resouces we each use for that.   We practiced a small piece of Lectio Divina and then generally got to know each other over an extended lunch.  All in all a great day and plenty to inspire and motivate us.  I certainly got alot out of it and came away feeling refreshed and enthusiastic to ‘get on with things’.  One of the things about Turvey that I first fell in love with was their ecumenism ~ their ethos mirrors so much of what I believe and Saturday was such a tangible  illustration of that.

The other thing that I’ve noticed this last week or so is that I’m starting to think ‘Benedictine’.  It’s taken a while and it’s still very early days, but slowly it is creeping in to my psyche [spirit] and playing out in my thought processes.  Its influence is calming and defined.  I’ve been studying ‘The Rule’ in more depth since Christmas and wasn’t aware of much sinking in but then suddenly you realise that you’re using it without even thinking to solve problems or approach situations.  I’m quite exhilarated about this if I’m honest!! 

Jim is home ~ oh yes he is!!!  Thanks be to God!!  A prayer answered in full and with bells on.  Praise the Lord!!  I think mum is finding it a huge responsibility and we’re all trying hard to support her.  She has a nasty chest infection which is triggering her chronic asthma so she’s feeling very tired and looked very run down when I saw her yesterday.  Jim’s sister is down from Manchester today and, having lost her husband under similar circumstances a few years ago, I’m hoping that she’ll be able to impart some coping strategies to mum and offer her some much needed female friendship and support during her stay.  I think once a good routine of care is established things will be alot easier.  It’s all very early days as he only came home Monday.  Please pray into this situation!!

I think that’s me for a while then.  May you all have a blessed Eastertide filled with peace, love and the true Spirit of the season.  My prayers go with you all.

Pax et bonum

Sharon xx

ps I know I’m a bit ahead of myself with my picture at the top there but hey, I can’t go through Holy Week without putting something about that amazing event so you’re getting it early rather than not at all……..

⁹Now when he rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, from whom he had cast out seven demons. ¹⁰ She went and told those who had been with him, as they mourned and wept.

Matthew 16:9-10

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Keep on keeping on…

Long time, no post I’m afraid.  Life is a whirlwind of madness, absolute madness.  Jim is still in the hospice but there’s hope that he will be home soon.  He’s certainly alot better in terms of symptoms ~ better pain managment, eating well, sleeping well, walking better etc.  I visit at least every other day, sometimes every day.  I’ve had a bit of a cold so that has kept me away.  I’m better now but have a voice that would give Barry White a run for his money, it’s so hoarse and sexy.    Simon quite likes it but then he’s easily pleased lol.

I think we’ve all reached a place of acceptance with Jim’s illness, and I include Jim in that statement.  I hadn’t realised it until I was chatting to my Jehovah’s Witness friends today.  One young man visits me every month and always brings a different person with him each time.  We have some great discussions and I think we learn alot from each other.  I have a great respect for him and it’s quite obviously mutual.   Anyhow, I’m digressing ~ I told them that Jim was terminally ill and then said that we’d reached a place of calm and acceptance with that now.  I suddenly realised that yes, were are in that peaceful place.  A place where you know what’s to come and yes, that’s sad and a bit scary but also we’re enjoying the here and now.  Making the most of every visit, every hug, every opportunity to say ‘I love you’.  The tears are never far away but they don’t overwhelm me as much and I can hold it together when in ASDA which is always handy.

Jim’s illness has enhanced ALL my relationships.  They all seem suddenly very precious and vulnerable.  I tell people I love them far more freely, give hugs more often, never miss the chance to wish Millie or Simon a good day as they leave for work and make plenty of time to share their day on their return.  Shame it takes something so sad to wake us up to the reality of life.  You think you’re living your life to the full but when something like this happens you realise that actually no, you’re being pretty complacent all in all.

Lent moves on apace and with it has come a nagging issue.  An old issue that won’t ‘go away’.  Lent is about repentance, conversion, turning back to Christ and preparation for Easter.  I have tried since my calling to cease all sin in my life.  Now I know that I’d be pretty unrealistic to just expect to undo 43 years of habitual sin overnight ~ not happening.  I’ve always stuck to the saying ‘ I’m not where I want to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be’.  That is still true.  I’ve recently watched this documentary ~ ‘Deborah 13, Servant of God’ .  Now I’m not going to discuss my thoughts on that here because that’s a whole different post I think but it did make me review my own sins, both past and present, using the commandments as a guide.

I know that when God called me He forgave my past sins.  I sincerely repented, asked for forgiveness and I’ve no doubt that was granted or why would He have called me so profoundly just to turn me away again??  However, on studying the commandments I’m still struggling with ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ as this one seems to travel with me.  Simon and I live together and have done for nearly two years now.  Even if we were to marry would I still be in an adulterous state because am I not ~ in the eyes of the church ~ still married to my first husband?  What can I do to put this right if indeed I can at all??  It is troubling me and has done since I moved in here.  I’ve always indentified with the Samaritan Woman who had been married five times and was living with a man who wasn’t her husband.  [No I haven’t been married quite THAT many times but you get my drift].  John chapter 4 is very dear to me as it was this that God gave to me when I first started to pray about past sins years ago.  However, I’m no closer to an answer because He told her to go away and sin no more.  What did she do then??  Kick hubby/boyfriend number five into touch having been washed clean of her sins by Jesus at the well?? I’m not sure but it plays on my already troubled mind.  I know my heart is good and that neither Si nor I are happy with our ‘set up’ as it stands but is that enough?? 

My feeling is that Simon and I are meant to be together ~ I prayed about it alot before we decided to be together full time.  My moving here to MK was no accident I suspect especially as it bought me much closer [geographically speaking] to my Mum and Jim who now need me to help them through this very difficult part of their lives.  Had I not met Simon I’d be miles away and little or no use to them at all.  There are so many little Godincidences that have reinforced that here is where I should be.  My faith journey has gone from a walk to a run.  My love for the Catholic faith has been born here and this is where I found Turvey Abbey.  My children have flourished here.  Surely this is no accident and all because I met Simon on the internet??  How to put right though this nagging issue of adultery?? 

When assessing my life and how far I’ve come it’s amazing what I’ve achieved and I can read down those commandments now and feel that I’m doing an okay job of things.  I stumble of course.  I have bad days when I feel wretched and my behaviour or attitude is decidedly lacking but on the whole, not bad for a mere human.  When I think I’m not improving I just remember to keep on, keeping on in the right direction ~ set my sights on God and make Him my focus.  Just this one little thing to deal with so, answers on the back of a post card to……….

pax et bonum

Sharon xx

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