My cell…..

 

My body is my cell and my soul the hermit within.

Pax

Sharon xx

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Sr Paula

“There are many rooms in my father’s house”

John 14:2

In the fifty-second year of her profession, Turvey Abbey’s beloved sister
SISTER PAULA M. DANSEN, O.S.B.
was called by God into the fullness of LIFE and PEACE on
11 May 2009

Sr. Paula was born on 17 November 1930 in The Hague, Holland, and made her monastic profession at Schotenhof in 1958. For almost all of her monastic life she was cantor and sacristan. In 1962 she came to Cockfosters, where she worked in the embroidery studio and helped with guests, she moved with the community to Turvey in 1981. At Turvey she was in charge of the embroidery studio, creating wall hangings, altar frontals and vestments; as well as taking her turn with enthusiasm and willingness in the everyday work of the community. She had contact with people from all walks of life, fostering ecumenism through friendship. Many will remember her for her genuine interest in their lives and work.

 * * * * * *

Above is Sr Paula’s death notice as issued by Turvey Abbey a couple of days after her death and today is her funeral.  My prayers and love are with the Sisters and Brothers today as they lay their Sister to rest in joy and peace eternal.  A candle burns brightly for Sr Paula as I type.

Here is a section from the Office of the Dead which I shall be praying today: –

“O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting?  The sting of death is sin.  Thanks be to God for he has given us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ, alleluia.  Having the spirit of faith, we believe that he who raised up Jesus will also raise us up along with Jesus.  Thanks be to God.”

 

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Last post until after Easter [probably] …

I’m giving myself some time off from blogging over Easter to concentrate on my faith and its meaning during this most holy of times, my forthcoming Confirmation, my family and also ~ myself!!  This Lent is beyond words for me.  Beyond description in it’s beauty and the depths to which it’s touched my spirit.  I’ve found out things about myself and my relationship with God that I cannot even begin to share. 

I have a new project also that I’m considering which I’ll keep you all in suspense about until I’ve decided whether or not to persue it.

I spent a divine [in every sense of the word] day at Turvey Abbey last Saturday [28th] on a day retreat for discerning Oblates.  I met an amazing group of people and also I met someone who I’d only had an email relationship with up until then.  ‘J’ and I are travelling a smilar path but from different denominations [J is Anglican].   The Sr’s put us in touch with each other when I first enquired about Oblation at Turvey and we’ve kept up a regular electronic dialogue ever since.  We finally met ‘in the flesh’ so to speak on Saturday and found that we get on every bit as well in ‘real life’ as we do in cyber space which is lovely, as is she. 

The Sr’s gave so much of themselves as they always do and Turvey is starting to feel like ‘coming home’ rather than going out.  I always feel so loved and cared for there.  We focussed on monastic life [and some of the core values therein] from the Sr’s perspective, and also talked about praying the Divine Office and shared information about the resouces we each use for that.   We practiced a small piece of Lectio Divina and then generally got to know each other over an extended lunch.  All in all a great day and plenty to inspire and motivate us.  I certainly got alot out of it and came away feeling refreshed and enthusiastic to ‘get on with things’.  One of the things about Turvey that I first fell in love with was their ecumenism ~ their ethos mirrors so much of what I believe and Saturday was such a tangible  illustration of that.

The other thing that I’ve noticed this last week or so is that I’m starting to think ‘Benedictine’.  It’s taken a while and it’s still very early days, but slowly it is creeping in to my psyche [spirit] and playing out in my thought processes.  Its influence is calming and defined.  I’ve been studying ‘The Rule’ in more depth since Christmas and wasn’t aware of much sinking in but then suddenly you realise that you’re using it without even thinking to solve problems or approach situations.  I’m quite exhilarated about this if I’m honest!! 

Jim is home ~ oh yes he is!!!  Thanks be to God!!  A prayer answered in full and with bells on.  Praise the Lord!!  I think mum is finding it a huge responsibility and we’re all trying hard to support her.  She has a nasty chest infection which is triggering her chronic asthma so she’s feeling very tired and looked very run down when I saw her yesterday.  Jim’s sister is down from Manchester today and, having lost her husband under similar circumstances a few years ago, I’m hoping that she’ll be able to impart some coping strategies to mum and offer her some much needed female friendship and support during her stay.  I think once a good routine of care is established things will be alot easier.  It’s all very early days as he only came home Monday.  Please pray into this situation!!

I think that’s me for a while then.  May you all have a blessed Eastertide filled with peace, love and the true Spirit of the season.  My prayers go with you all.

Pax et bonum

Sharon xx

ps I know I’m a bit ahead of myself with my picture at the top there but hey, I can’t go through Holy Week without putting something about that amazing event so you’re getting it early rather than not at all……..

⁹Now when he rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, from whom he had cast out seven demons. ¹⁰ She went and told those who had been with him, as they mourned and wept.

Matthew 16:9-10

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A ‘sort of’ plan for the year ahead….

….I’ve noticed that many people in blogdom have done a review of the year just gone.  I am remiss in that I haven’t but I did post my excitement and anticipation of the year ahead and all the wonderful things it promises.  I think possibly my blog to date is testament enough to 2008 so you hardly need me raking it all over again like a soon-to-be-planted veggie patch.

I rarely make any kind of concrete plans in life anymore, and I certainly haven’t made New Year’s resolutions since I was a child.  I’ve noticed that things always go awry especially if I start to look forward to them or worse still, I give up within the first month and feel a failure.  I’m better with a ‘plan of action’ which can be flexible and will move with the ebb and flow of life.  Even then I’d not really given any thoughts to even a flimsy plan until yesterday.

Ok so now you want me to divulge what happened yesterday!!  You’re all just so curious which is just as well really or you’d not be reading this blog in the first place ;o).  Yesterday I spent a lovely morning with Sr Miriam at Turvey Abbey discussing prayer [Offices/Hours] and liturgy in general from a Benedictine perspective.  This meeting was born of a book that I asked her opinion on devoted to Benedictine Daily Prayer in the form of a short breviary.  Sr M wasn’t aware of the title but it’s only been in print since 2005 so fairly new in the great scheme of religious liturgical history, but instead she offered her time and knowledge to help me make the choice for myself.  The meeting fed my curiosity and thirst for more [Benedictine] knowledge and evoked in me the need to move this journey towards oblation forward a step.  I also stayed and shared the Mass with them afterwards which as always was very special.

Last year was really devoted to sorting out my prayer life which at the very least was chaotic.  Once I started praying the Offices five times a day everything fell into place.  Where before there had simply been ‘no time’, now suddenly, even with quite a lot of each day being spent in prayer, there felt like there was time in abundance.  The day took on a calmness and a flow where before there’d just been good intention and missed opportunity.  I still have days when I just chase my own tail, who doesn’t; but with the introduction of the Offices comes organisation I suppose, for the most part anyway.  The Sr’s emphasise the importance of the rhythm that comes with setting time aside to pray regularly and I can vouch for that.  I now not only pray the Offices but also pray the rosary quite regularly and enjoy time just ‘being’ with God for personal prayer and to listen.

This year my intention is to focus on learning more of the actual Rule of St Benedict which in turn will hopefully guide me in my daily life and prayer life.  Once I’m more at one with the underlying principles my prayer choices should then hopefully reflect that knowledge.  I also hope to start the practice of Lectio Divina ~ the practice of sacred [prayerful] reading of religious texts.  It is hard to have a Benedictine outlook on life if one is ignorant of even the most basic of principles.  That is all about to change.

I am so blessed to have such a fountain of knowledge and support at Turvey Abbey.  I feel I am making friends there which brings a richness to life far beyond money.  Thanks be to God for guiding me there.

So, that’s me for the year ahead.  Oh and the intention not to eat any more rubbish as it gives me a migraine which has been my cross to bear today.  Incapacitating to the extent that I missed Mass as I couldn’t see well enough to drive ~ sigh!!  The result of a Chinese meal last night, lovely but not lovely enough to warrant a day with my head stuffed in a pillow.  It has lifted now though but with it my resolve to treat my ageing body with more respect ~ healthy eating for 2009 [that could almost be a resolution lol].  I look forward to ‘travelling’ with you all into 2009…..with love….

Pax

Sharon xx

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The Blessings of Obedience….

This question was posed on the Christian forum that I belong to…..

Quote:

I wanted to ask, how do YOU view obedience? What does it mean to your life, your Christian walk, and how do you deal with the struggles? Are you obedient to God alone, or do you have to be obedient to another person/institution aswell? As an Oblate/Tertiary (if you are one) how would you interpret obedience in your daily life?

I thought I would blog my answer as I found it very thought provoking.  I have thought about this and will, for now, suspend the part of myself that is discerning becoming an Oblate because the reality is I’m not one yet, nor do I know enough about St Benedict’s Rule to be able to discuss that comprehensively but I may refer to the idea of becoming an Oblate at the end…

Obedience = Before I became a Christian I knew moral right from wrong which I feel was primarily taught to me by my parents [with a bit of media, peers, school etc thrown in].  However, it didn’t mean I actually did what I’d been taught, nor was I driven by any great desire to do so all the time. In fact I felt compelled sometimes to do the exact opposite in a rebellious way, even as an adult……………..

Now I’m a Christian considering this question I ask initially what dictates my Obediance [responses, lifestyle, behaviour etc.] now?? Is it the bible, is it God, is it St Benedict, is it Fr James and the Catholic faith?? I still know right from wrong but I have a Spirit driven conscience now that I find very difficult to ignore. The best part is that I don’t WANT to ignore it, I actively seek to ‘hear’ what the Holy Spirit tells me and if I’m in any doubt then I’ll pray, study the Word and wait to see what God wants me to do rather than risk a hasty, off-the-cuff decision.  I think that we could fairly safely say that obedience is a choice but it’s what lies behind and drives that choice that changes in the Christian heart.

Sometimes I make a poor choice through either not listening [to God], misinterpreting, being too hasty or just through letting my flesh lead rather than the Spirit.  I’m always bereft when I realise that I’ve not been obedient, that I’ve strayed from the path, that I may have hurt someone and made Jesus shake His head in sorrow.  It’s no good hoping never to sin ever again, the best we can strive for is to make the gap between sin and repentance as small as possible and to train ourselves to ‘listen’ more keenly with real patience.

So in answer to AR’s question I am obedient through choice initially and ultimately I’m obedient to God because He comes above everything and everyone else. The other people/things are just agents of His divine presence.  My secular life sometimes dictates that I can’t be as obedient as I’d like to be without enforcing my views/rituals on other [sometimes reluctant] members of my family but my heart is always good.  Obedience has meant that I’ve made a conscious decision to conform – to adapt my daily life to pray offices; to live simply; to attend Mass regularly; to embrace my faith and my love of God as fully as I can; to make every part of my life a devotion and worship to my dear Lord; to try and live in the moment in order to be perceptive to what is around me and the needs of those who cross my path.  If my discernment leads me to become an Oblate then I suspect that St Benedict and my new community will just enhance that choice and give me some further, more tangible tools to compliment my chosen way of life. They won’t dictate my obedience because that has to be spirit led from God, but they may well give it far more meaning/purpose and possibly give me far more time to carry out this calling that God has put on my heart by my conforming to the Rule.

Spirit led obedience truly is a blessing and has enhanced my life beyond all recognition.  I can only thank God for this wonderful way of life that has come hand-in-hand with the beautiful gift of faith.

pax

Sharon xx

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Turvey Abbey

This morning I met with the Sr’s Miriam and Judith of Turvey Abbey.  Simon took me so I didn’t have to worry about directions and parking etc.  The Abbey is absolutely gorgeous as you can see from the photograph which doesn’t actually do either it nor it’s lovely grounds justice.  I was very nervous which was silly really as I had no pre-conceived ideas of what to expect but knew that it would be a very ‘gentle’ meeting which is exactly what it was.  I told them my ‘story’ and they listened and were just lovely, very understanding of my ‘calling’.  I always thought my desire for a religious, vocational life was very unusual among secular men and women living out a regular family life.  Apparently not, as the Sr’s assured me that many of the 70 ish oblates at Turvey Abbey come from a similar ‘place’ emotionally.  The relief was huge as I actually thought I was a bit weird, either that or I was totally misunderstanding what God was asking of me.  The Sr’s also told me that they would put me in contact with existing oblates which I’m really looking forward to.  They told me about the process of becoming an oblate, about the weekends coming up next year devoted to that cause and how to move forward in my discernment.  It’s not an overnight process which is no surprise as I don’t think this is something that should be taken on lightly or suddenly; not unlike taking religious vows on entering a community – it all takes time and for very good reason.  I thought I’d be really excited but in essence I’m actually just very, very calm; full of peace as I know that this is the part of the puzzle that has been missing for such a long time.

After we’d finished talking I spent some time alone in their huge library [it has a vaulted ceiling – wow] as I’d decided to stay for Mass but had an hour or so to kill before it started.  It was a lovely room and for those of you who know me well you’ll know that an hour in a room full of thousands of religious books is just my idea of heaven on earth.  I’m amazed they managed to shoe horn me out of there.  Mass was at 11.50am and it was lovely to hear the nun’s chanting, the monks were also present at the Mass.  The one thing that isn’t immediately apparent is that it’s not just a monastry for nun’s [Priory of Our Lady of Peace] there are monks in residence as well [Monastery of Christ Our Saviour] and and, once an oblate, I’ll be an oblate of both communities.

Finally here are a couple of pictures of the chapel one taken in Ordinary Time as it looked today…

…………and another taken at Christmas – so beautiful!!!!

all photo's courtesy of Turvey Abbey 

Autumn and Katheryn – I was thinking of you both – with love……

Pax

Sharon xx

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Bits and pieces….

…today is my daughter Millie’s sixteenth birthday.  Where did all those years go??  Amazing!!!  Happy Birthday my lovely girl xx.

Ethan has a really nasty cold which is par for the course after everyone returns to school and mixes with the worlds biggest germ pool [two senior schools] and then brings it all back here.  Poor little lad is so bunged up and snuffly and he really doesn’t cope well with a runny nose.  Get well soon little one xx.

After my last post about grieving for a missed religious vocation in my life, a cyber friend mentioned Benedictine Oblates, which I’d never heard of, and consequently I’ve contacted a local Benedictine Abbey to find out more about what’s involved.  Who knows if I’m what they want or vice versa but it’s a start.  I’ll let you know.

Tomorrow evening is the start of the ‘Exploring the Catholic Faith’ course and I’m so looking forward to it.  Another step towards my search for a Spiritual Home/Direction.  God has led me to this place so it really didn’t have much to do with my searching, more my ability to finally listen to what He wants for my life.  Fourth mass today and each one better than the last.  Praise God!!

Short and sweet today as I have to get back to the birthday girl and the poorly lad.

Pax – in Christ

Sharon xx

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What might have been….

As I continue on this amazing journey with God I’m increasingly aware that I am grieving for a ‘missed’ religious vocation.  This is not something I’ve shared with many people, in fact I’m not sure I’ve shared it with anyone really.  I’m putting it here in the hope that ‘verbalising’ it will make it seem less of an issue and possibly give vent to some of the loss that I feel in a cathartic way.  Today it has been filling my head space once again which is what prompted this posting.

My walk in faith is now well over two years old and I can remember writing in my old blog [link to the right] at the very beginning of all this that, without a doubt, I would have taken religious vows had I been able to at the time of my ‘calling’.  Obviously I wasn’t able to as I have children who are dependent on me and who I love dearly.  However, I can remember a time in my late teens when I did consider a religious life and it was very quickly dismissed.  How different would my life have been had I listened to that call back then??

Now please don’t for one minute think that I’m not grateful for my children and the life that I have today – I know exactly how blessed I am.  That said, would I have done things differently though given my time again?  Yes, absolutely, certainly during my 20’s but then I imagine that a large percentage of people would do things differently with the benefit of hindsight.  The past is the past and cannot be undone and it has made me who I am today but the more my relationship with Jesus deepens the bigger the sense of loss that I cannot persue a life of devotion to Him within a religious community.  I feel that it’s a ‘missed’ vocation if you like. 

My worry is that this yearning for a deeper religious commitment will stop me enjoying the life I have now, that I will begin to resent those who I love for ‘holding me back’ from what I crave.  Now, let’s get serious here even if it were possible I could no more leave my life and those I love to be a religious recluse than I could cut off my right arm, I would be bereft but that is not what I’m saying.  What I’m trying to say in my cack handed way is that if I’d heeded that call all those years ago I could now be living a life of religious vocation and a part of me grieves for what I can’t have.  A missed opportunity.

I also feel at times that many of those who I live closest to do not take me or my faith seriously and that just makes it worse.  To be quite honest it hurts and makes me feel like a freak or a religious nutter which I’m most definately not.  I’m still me – slightly nutty, great sense of humour, bubbly, intelligent and compassionate Sharon who now know’s that she’s a child of God.

I am fully aware that God has a purpose for my life and at this moment in time it is not at all clear to me what this is but I’m patient and will carry on being the best person I can be in Christ while I wait for Him to show me where He wants me to be.  I am also looking into how to have a religous vocation within the life I have.  I’m not at all sure how that could happen but I’m still looking/researching/speaking to people for various opportunities and openings and when the time is right I’m sure God will ‘call’ me loud and clear just like He did two years ago.  The call to Catholicism is a big part of where I’m headed I think and although I’m not sure why, I’m going on in faith certain that God knows best.

I may not be able to be a nun but I can be a child of Christ, a good catholic woman, a woman devoted to God and his works, a signpost for Him as I travel on my way.  As I put in a posting on a forum recently  – “I aspire to be all that You purposed for my life, to become evermore Christlike so others can see more of You and less of me” and that is the most that I can hope for at this moment and I hope that one day soon it will feel like enough.

This is rather a self obsessed post but sometimes you just gotta get things off your chest and give it up to God…

In Christ…..

Sharon xx

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